I talked to my ex today....it was the first time we talked almost nicely to each other...I mean, there was no screaming like usual...it was more subtly insulting. But we got some things out in the open, and I guess thats ok.
Watching porn with my friend always makes me feel better. I'm waiting for my sexy painter girl.
I've been stuck in my head lately...having dark thoughts while at work, awkward fantasies, bad daydreams...having conversations with myself to pass the time while I do bread. Its weird, but I just can't get out, I can't escape. I'm just in my subconcious. It scares me...the things that are happening in my life. This is what happens when life gets too stressful to handle. I get depressed and go into my head, where everything is so unreal. I'm not sure if I like it better that way. Its like someone with multiple personality disorder using their multiple personalities to deal with things in their life that they can't cope with. Maybe going inside my head is a way of coping, so I don't become numb on the outside and want to cut myself. I mean, yes, I am pretty numb on the outside, but not numb enough to cut...I don't really cut anymore...but I'm getting to that point of my depression. I hope I don't get too bad. My sexy painter girl is there, she holds me, and kisses the demons away. I've never had anyone like her.
I just need some sort of security...like a blanket...and I've never had one, and don't know where to find one.
Watching porn with my friend always makes me feel better. I'm waiting for my sexy painter girl.
I've been stuck in my head lately...having dark thoughts while at work, awkward fantasies, bad daydreams...having conversations with myself to pass the time while I do bread. Its weird, but I just can't get out, I can't escape. I'm just in my subconcious. It scares me...the things that are happening in my life. This is what happens when life gets too stressful to handle. I get depressed and go into my head, where everything is so unreal. I'm not sure if I like it better that way. Its like someone with multiple personality disorder using their multiple personalities to deal with things in their life that they can't cope with. Maybe going inside my head is a way of coping, so I don't become numb on the outside and want to cut myself. I mean, yes, I am pretty numb on the outside, but not numb enough to cut...I don't really cut anymore...but I'm getting to that point of my depression. I hope I don't get too bad. My sexy painter girl is there, she holds me, and kisses the demons away. I've never had anyone like her.
I just need some sort of security...like a blanket...and I've never had one, and don't know where to find one.
insideoutman:
Unfortunately (after beating my own head against the wall a time or two I can tell you this) trying to find someone else for security hardly works out. I think personally that we get so caught up in making this better, making that better that our own self worth gets thrown to the backburner. I believe you have to come to a point where you just start to enjoy what you have right now, even if you dont "have" anything. You still have yourself, and you have to like yourself. Otherwise why bother. Thats how I got of my depression a while back, I hope that helps some.