minimalism

It was humid and she was beautiful.

As they drove along, heading west, the headlights illuminated the wet pavement ahead, not so much illuminated it, as made it look shiny and chrome. It was one of those non rains, the times when the sky is so thick with moisture that it reaches dew point in mid air. It becomes mist.

She had a very relaxing voice and he liked to listen to her speak. He was disappointed that he had to focus on the road though, because he loved to look into her eyes when she spoke. Her eyes calmed him in the same gentle manner as her voice.

"I want to ask you something personal." she said.

"You can ask me anything, but don't expect me to be honest." he replied jokingly, in his wise ass, but somehow charming personality.

"How come you are single? You don't seem like the type of guy who would have any trouble getting a girlfriend."

"Um," he hesitated.

And then it came flooding over him. The last four years, and then the six years before that. A decade's worth of emotional turbulence. There were good times, but that's not what you recall in a moment like this.

In that split second he became lonelier than he had ever been in his life. Yeah, he had been on his own for most of the last four years, aside from two brief relationships. One with a girl who cheated on her boyfriend to be with him and then cheated on him two months later, and the other one, who strung him along for over a year and then decided she wasn't able to commit. But nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of emptiness that he sunk into that night.

Living alone had never been a burden. In fact it was quite peaceful. Just him and the cat. The chores done, the dishes clean and put away, laundry folded and neat, unlike when the ex lived there. Her clothes were everywhere. He had liked his new found freedom. Cherished it. Even times was afraid to entertain the thought of letting someone get close enough to disturb the balance he kept.

The ex and he had planned to get married. He had just started a new job. Not a dead end job like his last two, but an honest to goodness career, with health benefits, and a retirement package. She was paying off a brand new car and yet they still had nearly enough money saved for a down payment on a house. The plans for a late September wedding on the beach were in order. They would be barefoot in the damp morning sand. It was just a matter of time til everything just fell into place. It was sane and rational. Hell, even their best friends were a married couple.

It was too good, too right. There was no drama, so she had to create some. Maybe it wasn't only her fault. Yeah, he worked long hours, and yes, she was alone a lot. But it was for them. It was for her. Maybe those long hours got to him and when he was actually home he was too tired and cranky. His mood not nearly as cheerful and fun as it was when they had met. But that doesn't justify throwing away everything they worked so hard to acheive. It doesn't give leave to sleep with another person.

He could never find it in his heart to forgive her. And so they ended things. He regrouped. Did the best he could. Remodeled the apartment his way after she finally moved out. He finally started the diet he had meant to go on years earlier. He threw away the old grungy clothes he used to own and started dressing much better. On the surface he had found his way again. But the bitterness remained buried deep within him.

"What are you thinking about?" her voice broke the silence. The road raced by.

"I'm trying to find a way to answer your question."

"I don't know why I'm single." was all he could muster.

He really wanted to find a way to tell her, but moreso he just wanted to forget about it. He wanted to kiss her and he knew she wanted to kiss him too. But he had a promise to himself that he had to keep. And so he drove her home, west, to her boyfriend's house.