minimalism

Hey Jackson,
I don't have Asher's email address, so maybe you could possibly forward this to her for me. Thanks.

Hello Asher,
I just wanted to drop you a quick note and let you know that I was so excited to get the newest issue of Verbicide in the mail the other day. Not to get too graphic, but I needed to use the bathroom right after I checked the mailbox and fortunately for me I was reading your review of my new CD while I was on the toilet. It was a good thing I had your magazine handy because I had run out of toilet paper and needed something to wipe my ass with.

Let's go over things point by point, shall we?

"It's ironic that the artist behind the techno album, Glasgow, refers to himself as Minimal: Impossible for minimalism is exactly what I found on this 10-track debut album from Tom O'Hara."

Please explain, because for the life of me I can't seem to figure out what's ironic about that? I'll help you out by referring you to the definition of irony.

irony - noun.
The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.
An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect.
Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.
An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity.

Ok, when you finish going over that I'd like to point out that there was a TV show a number of years back that was called Mission: Impossible. Perhaps you have heard of it? Or maybe even the three crappy movie remakes starring Tom Cruise? You are, after all, Verbicide's film critic, no? Well, for arguments sake, I'm going to assume you are as ignorant of modern culture as you came across in your review of my CD and spell everything out for you.

Mission: Impossible - This 7-year series chronicled the adventures of the Impossible Mission Taskforce (IMF), a team of government spies and specialists who were assigned "impossible missions" by the unseen "Secretary".

You see, there was a group of folks on the show, and they went on missions. Hence the name. Nothing ironic about that, is there? There's also a wacky new show on the Food Network called Dinner: Impossible. Let's see if you can guess what they do on the show without me explaining that one to you?

"Minimal: Impossible seems to have good intentions, quoted to have tried to create a dance record that could still be enjoyed by fans of the genre at home with a pair of good headphones. And stating influences of techno greats Underworld and Kraftwerk, my hopes were high as I pressed play for the first time."

Cool. First question. Did you even begin to think, "Hmm, maybe I should listen to this on my headphones" or did you just play it on some crappy Wal Mart home unit with no subwoofer? Second question. When you hear someone say they are influenced by another artist do you expect them to sound exactly like that artist? l mean there are plenty of heavy metal acts out there who fail miserably at trying to sound like Led Zeppelin because they only use Zep's tracks as their reference. Not having ever learned Blues chops or taken into consideration that Zeppelin themselves pilfered from a wide selection of influences.So, let me also ask this, did you hear anything that resembled Kraftwerk or Underworld? Aw, I shouldn't do that to someone as slow as you. It's a trick question. Because if you say, "Yes" you'd be lying, and if you say, "No" I also know that you wouldn't be telling the truth. I'm not one to make my influences that transparent. You probably didn't notice the riff I completely lifted off of an Interpol track. Why? Hint; there wasn't one. I stole their use of start and stop silence breaks in three different songs on my lp. Is it an influence? Yes. Is it obvious? No.

Do you have Dubnobasswithmyheadman? It's Underworld's first lp. My personal copy is on double vinyl. It's really rare and worth a lot of money. Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't, but the point is on that album they merged some of their tracks one into another. It made the flow function better for home listening. You see, take any one of my songs and put it where it truly belongs, on the dance floor in the middle of a mixed DJ set, and those long boring intros and extros to each song are blended into and out of the previous and upcoming songs. It's a necessary function to techno songs that is lost on the home listener when a song is not in a mix, but played separately. To offset this as much as possible, I borrowed from Underworld's technique of having interludes placed sporadically throughout the album. I'm sorry that wasn't a more obvious influence. The Kraftwerk one is even more obscure.

Had you put on a pair of headphones and maybe indulged in a little psychotropic substances and gotten some real 'high' hopes prior to pressing play for the first time I assure you that the stereo effects would have fucked your tiny, little synapses so hard that you would have had to change your panties when the CD finished. You see, back in the early days of stereo recording things weren't truly stereo. Yeah, music came out of two speakers, but put on any un-remastered Beatles album and John's guitars come out of only one side and George's strumming will be on the other. You probably didn't know that, did you? On Kraftwerk's albums they didn't have to do things that way, equipment had progressed along far enough that true stereo was possible, but they did it on purpose anyway for effect. Placing different melodies, different bits of percussion, and delays on separate speakers. Guess who else did that? C'mon, I'll give you a hint. It starts with minimal: and ends with impossible.

"Ultimately Glasgow left me disappointed. It is a trance album through and through, consisting of a single beat that undergoes the slightest change every five minutes."

Well, which is it, trance or minimalism? Because, my dear friend, those are two very distinctly different styles of techno, but I didn't need to explain that to you, miss music editor lady, right? Aw hell, I'll do it anyway.

Trance - is a style of electronic music that developed in the 1990s. Trance music is generally characterized by a tempo of between 130 and 160 bpm, featuring repeating melodic synthesizer phrases, and a musical form that builds up and down throughout a track. It often features crescendos and long breakdowns. Some simple extra percussive elements are usually added, and major transitions, builds or climaxes are often foreshadowed by lengthy 'snare rolls' - a quick succession of equally spaced snare drum hits that builds in volume towards the end of a measure or phrase.Synthesizers form the central elements of most trance tracks, with simple sawtooth-based sounds used both for short pizzicato elements and for long, sweeping string sounds. Rapid arpeggios and minor scales are common features.

If you can point out a single arpeggiated synth line, any ambient string sections, or find me one machine gun snare build up on my entire album, I'll let you have my first unborn abortion.

Minimal techno, a minimalist sub-genre of techno music, is characterized by a stripped-down, glitchy sound, a fairly steady rhythm (usually around 120-135 bpm), repetition of short loops, and subtle changes.

minimalism - noun
Music. a reductive style or school of modern music utilizing only simple sonorities, rhythms, and patterns, with minimal embellishment or orchestrational complexity, and characterized by protracted repetition of figuration's, obsessive structural rigor, and often a pulsing, hypnotic effect.

So, that probably didn't make any sense to you since there were a lot of big words in those last definitions, but here's to hoping you're somewhat more up to speed on the whole thing. You see, swallowing the editor of a magazine's semen does not make you qualified to write music reviews. It just means you are a considerate wife. Perhaps you should stick to stuffing your fat face with popcorn and just review movies. Leave critiquing music to people who actually have a clue.

But wait, there's more...

"If Glasgow does anything, it reminds fans of electronica that the genre comes in many flavors, and Minimal: Impossible lives in an acid trance world that a breakbeat/sampler junkie like myself just can't understand."

Next time I'll make the album butter flavored. Will that help?

Oh please, not again. Asher, dear, light of my life, trance and acid trance are again two separate genres. Of which I am neither.

Acid trance is a style of trance music that emerged in the late '80s early '90s focusing on utilizing the acid sound. The trademark sound of "acid" is produced with a Roland TB-303 by playing a sequenced melody while altering the instrument's filter cutoff frequency, resonance, envelope modulation, and accent controls.

A descendant of acid house, since the genre of trance had not yet been invented during the advent of acid house.

The difference is while acid trance tracks focus more on the changing TB-303 lines, classic trance tracks are more atmospheric, they use "softer" synth-lines, and often strings and ambient music elements.

I don't even own a TB-303. How could you have possibly heard one on my record?

You then go on to claim to be a breakbeat/sampler junkie, essentially admitting that you'd rather listen to something Puff Daddy'd than someone who slaved over the synthesis of each and every sound in their tunes, but I still get the feeling you wouldn't know a broken beat if you trip-hopped over one. Please doll, without Googling, tell me, who is Jack Dangers? Only then can you and I begin to discuss sampling and breakbeats.

If you can't understand something why review it at all?

"I would probably only recommend this album to those looking to soundtrack a night of chugging Red Bull while trying to hack into a government mainframe."

Really? What is that even supposed to mean? Is it some kind of obscure movie reference? Was it meant to be clever? You failed.

I must admit though that I have a sneaking suspicion that my album got a less than favorable review not based on it's actual merits, but due to the fact that I refused to purchase ad space in your crappy rag. Your beloved husband claimed in a recent email that he had been trying to reach me for weeks about me placing an ad. If by trying to reach me for weeks he means that I requested ad rates, he sent them, I reviewed them, decided that I didn't want to place an ad because even though the prices were sufficiently affordable I had fired my graphic designer for incompetence and laziness (I heard a rumour that you guys hired him). I tried, but lacked the skills to make up a decent advert. I reply to Mr. Ellis' second email stating this, but apparently he didn't like the response.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not bothered by your review of my CD at all. In fact, I showed it to the head of my label, all of my friends, even random people on the street. It would have bothered me only slightly if you hadn't illustrated repeated that you have no idea what you are talking about. I hope you understand that this entire response letter is placed firmly tongue in cheek and you should take it with a grain of salt. I didn't even expect to have my CD reviewed at all since for the most part your magazine doesn't cover techno on a regular basis. Stick to what you do, and I'll stick to making music that's way over your head.

Thanks, Tom

PS. Jackson, I don't know if you are currently hiring new music editors, but I'd like to offer my services. It should be obvious to you that a. my little pinky knows way more about music then your wife ever will and b. I'm a much better writer than her, as well.