I read a book a while back called The 5 love languages which asserts that different people feel loved in what boils down to 5 different basic ways. It explains that if you measure love or feeling loved in the form of a love tank each of these 5 basic loving gestures can be essentially assigned a numerical value which differs from person to person. As an example, getting a gift may give you 10 love tank points with one woman and have her all giddy and happy whereas giving the same gift to a different woman may only score the giver a 2. The woman who only gives the gift a 2 would give a 10 to taking the trash out or cuddling after sex and the woman who gives a 10 to the gift may only give a 1 or 2 to taking the trash out and a 4 to the post coital cuddling. The 5 essential love languages they outlined are:
Quality time
Acts of Service
Gifts
Sex and other physical acts
Verbal affirmations
Most acts in a relationship can be placed in those 5 categories. So if someone ranks Quality Time as their primary love language spending 15 or 20 minutes per day talking to them will make them more happy than buying them 10 gifts or doing 20 household chores. And on the other side, if someone ranks acts of service as their number one language not doing the dishes after dinner will hurt them more and make them feel more resentful than forgetting their birthday or refusing to have sex with them.
With this in mind, I want to rant on about the things I need and expect from someone, not all qualify in the aforementioned love languages category, but these are my basic requirements.
I expect:
To be paid attention to on a fairly regular basis, good conversation, and someone to take an interest in the things I do and am interested in.
To have someone actually listen to what I am saying and ask questions then and there if they do not understand what I am saying so I clarify.
To have a partner act on solutions to problems I bring up without my having to spell it out down to the last detail, for example, when I say I really prefer to have some light on and music going when I have sex, I expect to see someone make some kind of effort to place a stereo or other musical device into the bedroom without my having to wait 6 months and then finally say, Look, I told you I like music and enough light so I can see what we are doing, Im really tired of fumbling around in the pitch black silent room, why dont you get a stereo in here and for fucks sake turn on a light, get a night light or a candle or even better show off your manly prowess and install a dimmer switch! To me the initial complaint was clear and concise, the solution obvious and not unreasonable and I would expect it to be acted upon in a timely manner.
To have a partner maintain steady employment or be independently wealthy enough to not work but have some hobbies or interests which get him out of the house, or at least out of my space some percentage of the time.
To have a partner treat my ideas and thoughts with respect and the understanding that I am not a total moron.
To have a partner have his own ideas and contribute equally to the eternal What are we going to do today? question while not steam rolling me and trying to make me do things Id rather not do, or at least not do them very often.
To praise me on my appearance, accomplishments and projects.
To offer constructive criticism when warranted.
To let me try it on my own first but step in if he sees me becoming really frustrated AND he knows the solution. If he has less of a clue how to do it than I do he needs to offer only sympathy and reassurance but not shove me out of the way try and do it for me.
To have sex with me in a fun and desirous manner a minimum of 2 times per week. Preferably talking to me (Not conversations about the Mets, I mean sexy talk) a little and behaving in a lecherous excited manner.
To not have someone question me on stupid details. As an example, if I say Im going to make a meatloaf for dinner and I am making the meatloaf on my own, I dont want someone to ask me how I make the meatloaf. I know how to make the damned meatloaf, Im making it on my own, it is exhausting to have to explain the whole meatloaf making process to someone I know darn well will NEVER make a meatloaf. It does not make me think the person is interested in me, it just is really irritating. I want to hear questions like have you heard any more from so and so you had whatever positive or negative situation with? or How are you feeling about such and such or I saw on the news a story about the war in Iraq being xyz, I feel this way about it, what do you think of it?
To have a partner who handles details and mundane stuff I hate (like sending payment for the bills on time) for me.
To have a partner notice when something is going on with me and take an active and supportive role to help me resolve it, even if that is just to listen to me and offer empathy.
To not have someone try to fix me.
To not be questioned on where I went, who I hung out with and why it took me so long to do whatever it is I did.
To not force, coerce, manipulate or otherwise try and make me do something I dont want to do.
To not whine
To be able to exist autonomously, not depending on me for rides, wake up calls or other things he should be able to do on his own.
To be trusted with big and small things.
To be considered when plans are made.
To be able to perform basic man tasks like changing a tire, using a soldering iron, and being at least willing to try fixing something simple on his own, while on the flip side not being so stubborn as to continue to try and do something he is not qualified for long after a professional should have been called in to finish the job.
To have someone always have my back and politely pick up the ball or get me back on track when I start fumbling socially before I completely swallow my foot.
To have someone be like a tag team buddy who is able to finish the fight when I am ready to tag out. For example, when the same rude collections person calls for the my old roommate for the 5th time in a day and for the 5th time I'm explaining that she STILL does NOT live here anymore and she owes me money too and to quit calling here, I expect my partner to take the phone, get on it and rip into the person on the phone a little to ensure they finally really DO remove my phone number from the account.
To have someone put me first, so for example, when his friends start making plans for us which he knows I would not care for doing, or I had wanted to do something else with that time slot, he will step up and suggest other plans or let them know we cant make it rather than expecting ME to always make the sacrifice so he doesnt look rude or whatever. I expect to have not being rude to me come above worrying about being rude to others.
To have a partner who will take a personal day from work now and then (not too often, but once every few months) just to spend the day in bed with me. No pressure to do anything, no other activity on the slate, just a leisurely day to ourselves.
To have a partner never fart in my close proximity (unless he is sleeping and cannot be expected to help it), and when he really has to and cannot step away from me a little, like on a road trip or whatever, he must make every effort to keep it out of my nostrils..
So yeah, here are the things I think are really important to me. Keep in mind, while this is a long list there are a lot of things not on the list, like being brought flowers all the time and being cooked or cleaned for, which I really hardly appreciate at all.
I thought of a couple more:
TO consider my feelings in all things.
To defend me and my honor and virtue at all times.
To desire to have children WITH me. I have been married and divorced a couple of times and the whole desire and ability to have children thing is very important to me. I have never had a man actually want to have children with me. I had my son alone and I don't like it. My son has been one of the most rewarding and challenging things I have ever done and I have a strong desire to share that joy and challenge with a loving and equally interested partner. I wonder what it is about me that I repeatedly end up with men who have 0 desire for children or tell me after we get married that they changed their mind about children and don't wnat that kind of responsibility. They then use the logic "You already have M, he should be enough." He's a good, trouble free kid, not like a terror who would put others off from ever wanting more. I have only had 5 relationships in my entire life (all fairly long), so maybe this is part of it, but I'm 5 for 5 on the don't like or want kids thing.
Are these things too much to ask? Am I expecting too much from the people I date? While no one man has violated all of these things, most have violated quite a few of them on a fairly regular basis, and then they wonder why I become so unhappy and leave them.
What are the things you expect from someone?
Quality time
Acts of Service
Gifts
Sex and other physical acts
Verbal affirmations
Most acts in a relationship can be placed in those 5 categories. So if someone ranks Quality Time as their primary love language spending 15 or 20 minutes per day talking to them will make them more happy than buying them 10 gifts or doing 20 household chores. And on the other side, if someone ranks acts of service as their number one language not doing the dishes after dinner will hurt them more and make them feel more resentful than forgetting their birthday or refusing to have sex with them.
With this in mind, I want to rant on about the things I need and expect from someone, not all qualify in the aforementioned love languages category, but these are my basic requirements.
I expect:
To be paid attention to on a fairly regular basis, good conversation, and someone to take an interest in the things I do and am interested in.
To have someone actually listen to what I am saying and ask questions then and there if they do not understand what I am saying so I clarify.
To have a partner act on solutions to problems I bring up without my having to spell it out down to the last detail, for example, when I say I really prefer to have some light on and music going when I have sex, I expect to see someone make some kind of effort to place a stereo or other musical device into the bedroom without my having to wait 6 months and then finally say, Look, I told you I like music and enough light so I can see what we are doing, Im really tired of fumbling around in the pitch black silent room, why dont you get a stereo in here and for fucks sake turn on a light, get a night light or a candle or even better show off your manly prowess and install a dimmer switch! To me the initial complaint was clear and concise, the solution obvious and not unreasonable and I would expect it to be acted upon in a timely manner.
To have a partner maintain steady employment or be independently wealthy enough to not work but have some hobbies or interests which get him out of the house, or at least out of my space some percentage of the time.
To have a partner treat my ideas and thoughts with respect and the understanding that I am not a total moron.
To have a partner have his own ideas and contribute equally to the eternal What are we going to do today? question while not steam rolling me and trying to make me do things Id rather not do, or at least not do them very often.
To praise me on my appearance, accomplishments and projects.
To offer constructive criticism when warranted.
To let me try it on my own first but step in if he sees me becoming really frustrated AND he knows the solution. If he has less of a clue how to do it than I do he needs to offer only sympathy and reassurance but not shove me out of the way try and do it for me.
To have sex with me in a fun and desirous manner a minimum of 2 times per week. Preferably talking to me (Not conversations about the Mets, I mean sexy talk) a little and behaving in a lecherous excited manner.
To not have someone question me on stupid details. As an example, if I say Im going to make a meatloaf for dinner and I am making the meatloaf on my own, I dont want someone to ask me how I make the meatloaf. I know how to make the damned meatloaf, Im making it on my own, it is exhausting to have to explain the whole meatloaf making process to someone I know darn well will NEVER make a meatloaf. It does not make me think the person is interested in me, it just is really irritating. I want to hear questions like have you heard any more from so and so you had whatever positive or negative situation with? or How are you feeling about such and such or I saw on the news a story about the war in Iraq being xyz, I feel this way about it, what do you think of it?
To have a partner who handles details and mundane stuff I hate (like sending payment for the bills on time) for me.
To have a partner notice when something is going on with me and take an active and supportive role to help me resolve it, even if that is just to listen to me and offer empathy.
To not have someone try to fix me.
To not be questioned on where I went, who I hung out with and why it took me so long to do whatever it is I did.
To not force, coerce, manipulate or otherwise try and make me do something I dont want to do.
To not whine
To be able to exist autonomously, not depending on me for rides, wake up calls or other things he should be able to do on his own.
To be trusted with big and small things.
To be considered when plans are made.
To be able to perform basic man tasks like changing a tire, using a soldering iron, and being at least willing to try fixing something simple on his own, while on the flip side not being so stubborn as to continue to try and do something he is not qualified for long after a professional should have been called in to finish the job.
To have someone always have my back and politely pick up the ball or get me back on track when I start fumbling socially before I completely swallow my foot.
To have someone be like a tag team buddy who is able to finish the fight when I am ready to tag out. For example, when the same rude collections person calls for the my old roommate for the 5th time in a day and for the 5th time I'm explaining that she STILL does NOT live here anymore and she owes me money too and to quit calling here, I expect my partner to take the phone, get on it and rip into the person on the phone a little to ensure they finally really DO remove my phone number from the account.
To have someone put me first, so for example, when his friends start making plans for us which he knows I would not care for doing, or I had wanted to do something else with that time slot, he will step up and suggest other plans or let them know we cant make it rather than expecting ME to always make the sacrifice so he doesnt look rude or whatever. I expect to have not being rude to me come above worrying about being rude to others.
To have a partner who will take a personal day from work now and then (not too often, but once every few months) just to spend the day in bed with me. No pressure to do anything, no other activity on the slate, just a leisurely day to ourselves.
To have a partner never fart in my close proximity (unless he is sleeping and cannot be expected to help it), and when he really has to and cannot step away from me a little, like on a road trip or whatever, he must make every effort to keep it out of my nostrils..
So yeah, here are the things I think are really important to me. Keep in mind, while this is a long list there are a lot of things not on the list, like being brought flowers all the time and being cooked or cleaned for, which I really hardly appreciate at all.
I thought of a couple more:
TO consider my feelings in all things.
To defend me and my honor and virtue at all times.
To desire to have children WITH me. I have been married and divorced a couple of times and the whole desire and ability to have children thing is very important to me. I have never had a man actually want to have children with me. I had my son alone and I don't like it. My son has been one of the most rewarding and challenging things I have ever done and I have a strong desire to share that joy and challenge with a loving and equally interested partner. I wonder what it is about me that I repeatedly end up with men who have 0 desire for children or tell me after we get married that they changed their mind about children and don't wnat that kind of responsibility. They then use the logic "You already have M, he should be enough." He's a good, trouble free kid, not like a terror who would put others off from ever wanting more. I have only had 5 relationships in my entire life (all fairly long), so maybe this is part of it, but I'm 5 for 5 on the don't like or want kids thing.
Are these things too much to ask? Am I expecting too much from the people I date? While no one man has violated all of these things, most have violated quite a few of them on a fairly regular basis, and then they wonder why I become so unhappy and leave them.
What are the things you expect from someone?
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
DAMN RIGHT!