midnyte

The finality of it all hits me in in waves. I seem to get sadder and sadder as time goes on and I feel really alone even though there are a lot of people around me. My mom called me today. She did not want me to go down and be with her. She said then she'd have to put on a face. Whatever. My son is sad, but he handles things differently from the way I do. He is so much of an internalizer. I try and talk to him about how he feels but he just says very little.

I really feel bad about how sad the last 10-15 years of my dads life had been.

Someone I live with told me it was creepy that I wanted to keep my fathers ashes in an urn in the house. They got very judgmental towards me. I'm so angry with them. If it was their family member I would not judge how they choose to grieve. I'd offer sincere condolonces and leave them to do whatever they need to do. What is the big deal about having ashes? I can't figure out why this disturbs this person so much and why they feel so uncomfortable with having ashes in an urn. My dad was a sweet loving, kind man, he would not haunt anyone or even be a bitter spirit if this is their concern. He died loved and with love and his sense of humor in tact. I just can't figure out what the "creepy" and other judgmental comments made to me are about or where they came from. This could really cause a rift in things around here, that is how angry I am and these are people I have lived with for 4 years. I got pretty livid with them. They apologized but I still don't feel any better about it. It is one of those behaviors an apology can't take back or make truly right. The disgust and judgement with which the comments where made is just really going to be tough to get over. It sucks, I like everyone I share my home with. We all get on really well. This is the first time something has been really not OK around here.

I'm delieriously tired I bet I make no sense. I can't sleep. I cry and sew cry and sew.

Even though his life was well lived, and the last 15 years have been less than great for him because of the Alzheimer's, it is still really sad to know all of the never agains. I think of the good stuff and how funny he was and how I wish I had been less frustrated by some of the stories he'd tell over and over and whatever. There is nothign like regret. I was never a bad daughter, we always got on well and I was closer to him than my mom. I'm glad I have as little to regret as I do. I'm going to try and work things out with my mom. It is a shame she makes it so difficult. I want to have few regrets when she goes too.