midfuckepiphany

man, this is so weird -

yesterday i was walking over the P Street bridge on my way from Georgetown to Dupont Circle, and I see this old, hispanic-looking, homeless dude walking toward me ... kind of very slowly shuffling along with this far-off, hopeless look in his eyes. and before he gets to me, he stops and looks right at me, and then he turns and slowly sits down on this gaurd rail, and just stares off at the park in the distance ... like he kind of had that 'thousand yard stare' that the viet nam vets talk about. he just sat there.

i walked past him, and at the time i thought, 'man, that's real depression.' and for a few minutes after i passed him i thought about the dude, and what his life must have been like. and i wondered if that's how i'm going to end up someday (i live pretty close to the edge financially and safety net-wise - i'll spare the details).

so JUST NOW, today, about two hours ago, i'm walking across the SAME bridge, and right there, in almost the same place, was the same guy, lying DEAD - face down on the sidewalk.

i shit you not: it must have just happened right before i got there. apparently some construction guys had found him. they were waiting there, they'd called 911.

i walked past the construction guys, and then walked right past the dead dude. within inches.

i looked at him. there he was. croaked.

just as i passed him an ambulance and a fire truck screached up with their sirens blaring. i guess to scoop him up, bag him and tag him.

... i think about death a lot. (i'm weird, i know.) i wonder what his final moments were like. was he in pain? did he suddenly have a cardiac arrest and keel over almost instantly? did he WILL himself to die?

yesterday, he looked ... ready.

he could have been anybody - a good person / a bad person;
a hero / a swine; an immigrant who had nobley fought a dictator in south america before escaping to the united states but was never quite able to make it economically here / or a convicted pedophile, for all i know.

just another human being, that came and went, in this tiny flicker of time, on this meaningless rock dangling in the middle of nothingness, who doesn't matter, and who no one will ever remember or care existed.

just like all of us.

... well, i'm off to get some audio equipment. got paid today!