miadahlia

LOVE IS WAR & I am at war with Love, or rather at a standstill of sorts. I don't believe in Love so why am I still a tad bit Hopeful that there is someone special out there for me? I'm a walking contradiction, I know. Blah Why do I not believe in Love? Maybe I am scared to get hurt again. Maybe I'm not relationship material. Maybe Love really isn't real after all. I don't know. Gandhi once said: "A coward is incapable of exhibiting Love; it is the Prerogative of the Brave". So does that truly make me a coward since I am scared?

I've come to realize that I am so numb & Jaded that I think I don't FEEL anything anymore. I don't get excited anymore when I think about my boy toys. I don't get that "butterflies in my stomach" feeling anymore when the guy with whom I thought I was infatuated texts me. I don't care to be honest. My best girlfriend said that it's because these guys are NOT worthy of my time & effort. Don't get me wrong, these guys are wonderful. Aside from my boy toys fulfilling my sexual needs, they are decent guys & they are friends. But I know they are not looking for commitment. & the guy with whom I was infatuated is such a sweetheart. He definitely is one of those "nice guys who finish last" type of dude, which is a shame because any woman would be lucky to have him.

So if he's such a nice guy, then why do I not feel anything for him anymore?! He would be worth it, right? That's why I think I really am Heartless. Because all feeling has escaped from every fiber of my being. I am a Robot who doesn't feel or care. Or maybe I'm truly not meant to be tied down to just one person. "Her Wild Heart Caged"; I'm wild at heart but obligations in life keep me caged & grounded

I don't know. Maybe I'm just too fucking chicken to take a risk in this game of love... Ugh...