mia

Im so tired of sleeping. Im wasting this life away. My mind fell asleep back before I was ever fully awake. I fell into the pit I have been trying to avoid. I feel like this work is a cover-up. Everyday I have to do something that doesnt fully interest me feels like it can be ripping away at my soul. It is ripping away at my will to live. We all have our art and our poetry and our inspirations. What do we ever really do about it though? We all sit here and talk about the amazing things we know but we can never do anything about them. I have made some small attempts myself. I have tried to break out of this shell. I have tried expanding. People seem to be downsizing. Take what is easy. Take what you need. Become a drone. I am in fear too. I want to do so many things but my environment has been influencing me too much lately. I care what people think and that makes it worse. I dont really know how we all gauge the amount of care we place in people. There are so many places I have seen in my mind that I have been always hoping would become my realities. It seems like such an attainable emotional state. I can always touch it. I can never grasp this. Its always the things I see and feel right when I am about to wake up from the dreams I cant really remember. Its the feeling that all forms of art I enjoy can instill in my body, if for only a moment. Its for only a moment. You can see and feel and hope that someone has truly felt. I have a hard time remembering the last time I truly felt. It seems that everything now is becoming more distant. It seems that memories are vivid with love. How many decisions have I made in what order to bring myself to this point? I have still been pondering lately what would honestly make me happy. It seems like no one out there is really having conversations anymore. It was all fiction to begin with. I remember these things but my mind doesnt seem to have the same capacity for communication. I used to crave these things. I used to initiate life in myself. I want to do that again. I dont want to give up because sometimes it seems that I have.