metta

How the Mainstream Media Really Work, Part Twenty-one

By TODD BABIAK


The federal budget has been released. In the newsroom, a writer attempts to find a microcosm. He attends a "Get Rich" seminar and flattens the material before him prepares to write.

Writer: What's a derivatives trader?

Colleague: You don't know?

Writer: When I think of the phrase, "derivatives trader," I just feel like lying down.

Colleague: You're not writing about derivatives trading, are you?

Writer: I was thinking of it. It's my Budget Day microcosm.

Colleague: But you don't know what it is.

Writer: That's the problem.

Colleague: You Googled it?

Writer: Just confused me more.

Colleague: This is how we get ourselves into trouble, as the fourth estate.

Writer: Aren't we the fifth estate?

Colleague: That's a TV show.

Writer: I think the church is the fourth estate. We're the fifth estate.

Colleague: Continue thinking that, if wrong is what you like to be. While you're at it, write a strongly-worded column about derivatives trading.

Writer: Deadline's in an hour.

Colleague: Maybe you should write about the weather. It's warm!

Writer: Come on, man. Tell me what it means.

Colleague: Go ask one of the business writers.

Writer: They think I'm a pinko.

Colleague: You're wearing a tie.

Writer: It's extremely unfair!

Writer sneezes, wipes nose.

Colleague: Are you sick?

Writer: Really sick.

Colleague: Jesus. What are you doing here? Why did you let me stand so close to you?

Writer: The paper ain't gonna write itself.

Colleague: Ain't gonna. Eight years of university for ain't gonna.

Writer: Can you get me a tea? Ginger. No, chamomile.

Colleague: You can hedge or speculate.

Writer: What?

Colleague: As a derivatives trader.

Writer blinks, surveys the material before him, and navigates toward the Environment Canada Press Room.