an Excerpt from The Idiots Girls' Action Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
an excerpt from a short essay entitled The Useless Black Bra and the Stinkin'-Drunk Twelve Step Program
The Stinkin'-Drunk Twelve Step Program
Step 1 : The Call of The Drink
It beckons you, you simply answers it. Its sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step 2: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (I.E, drinking on a completly empty stomach) or if there is some possiblitity that you can con others into providing for you.
Step 3: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding the approroate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible chioce has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must not be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step 4: The Click of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the intial lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shredding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink. ( The next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously)
Step 5: Sad Reminiscing
" I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" The most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns realationships and can lead to Potentially hazardous DWI- Dialing While Intoxicated-which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get Naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step 7: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you will have to be fully functioning again. " I can sleep fifteen more minutes if i skip a shower." " I'll wear what I am wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step 8: " It's Ten 'Till One" Inventory
A quick assesment that no matter how much liqour you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step 9 : Let's Get a Snack Too.
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are ok to drive. Purchase twenty dollars worth of fast-food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different form before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convience store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step 10: I Love Being Me
You are witty. You begin to feel beautiful, sexy and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a strangers' throat in a room full of a hundred people. You may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step 11: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and you can do things that will bear no witness, like peeing in a bush or puking on the sidewalk. It is at this point that you will not remember the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to sit down.
Step 12 :The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your oney, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, your conciousness.
Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club is copyrighted By Laurie Notaro 2002
Published By Random House INC...
*****Just convering my ass******** I love her books so much I just dont want to be sued.. LOLThe Useless Black Bra and the Stinkin'-Drunk Twelve Step Program
an excerpt from a short essay entitled The Useless Black Bra and the Stinkin'-Drunk Twelve Step Program
The Stinkin'-Drunk Twelve Step Program
Step 1 : The Call of The Drink
It beckons you, you simply answers it. Its sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step 2: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (I.E, drinking on a completly empty stomach) or if there is some possiblitity that you can con others into providing for you.
Step 3: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding the approroate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible chioce has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must not be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step 4: The Click of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the intial lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shredding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink. ( The next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously)
Step 5: Sad Reminiscing
" I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" The most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns realationships and can lead to Potentially hazardous DWI- Dialing While Intoxicated-which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get Naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step 7: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you will have to be fully functioning again. " I can sleep fifteen more minutes if i skip a shower." " I'll wear what I am wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step 8: " It's Ten 'Till One" Inventory
A quick assesment that no matter how much liqour you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step 9 : Let's Get a Snack Too.
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are ok to drive. Purchase twenty dollars worth of fast-food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different form before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convience store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step 10: I Love Being Me
You are witty. You begin to feel beautiful, sexy and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a strangers' throat in a room full of a hundred people. You may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step 11: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and you can do things that will bear no witness, like peeing in a bush or puking on the sidewalk. It is at this point that you will not remember the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to sit down.
Step 12 :The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your oney, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, your conciousness.
Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club is copyrighted By Laurie Notaro 2002
Published By Random House INC...
*****Just convering my ass******** I love her books so much I just dont want to be sued.. LOLThe Useless Black Bra and the Stinkin'-Drunk Twelve Step Program
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I hope things are going better