metalphilia

A friend and I are planning a roadtrip out to California this summer. I love her to death, but alas, she can be a bit of flake sometimes. She's fucked me over before, so excuse me for being a bit skeptical about this trip we're supposed to take. I'm hoping this actually happens. I kind of really need it to happen. I had this realization. Some other friends and I went on a hike near the foothills yesterday. I was kind of astounded by how beautiful the mountains were. I guess I've been here so long that I haven't really looked at them in ages. I wondered to myself how I would feel if I really did end up moving to Cali and couldn't see the Rockies anymore. Nothing immediately popped up for me, but as I continued to look at those mountains, I found myself feeling almost disgusted with them. I'm SICK of looking at them, that's probably why I haven't really noticed them for a good long while. The Rockies are incredibly gorgeous, that's for sure. But for as long as I can remember, they've never felt like home to me. I've always wanted to be near the ocean.

Even if I were to move and then become a little "homesick", I don't think that homesickness would ever become bigger than my hatred for snow, or the pain I feel when I think of Colorado. I know shit happens everywhere. But I have too many bad memories of this place. I've been here too long and have had too many bad things happen to me here. This place is so bland and dead to me, nothing looks real. I need a new start, somewhere else. Hopefully, when I do move, whatever bullshit life flings at me out in California won't hurt as much.

It really breaks my heart that I'll probably have to experience a few more winters here. Yeah, later on, a few years won't seem very long. But, I'm not going to start being crushed by this place "in a few years", that's already happening. Ergo, I'd like to get out of this state as soon as possible. But, of course, life won't allow for that right now. Well, fuck.

So, a roadtrip out to Cali is the best I can do for now. We're planning on checking out Napa Valley (and getting drunk on wine there, of course), San Fransisco, and then LA. I need this to happen because I feel kind of dead inside, honestly. I'm hoping checking out California AND SEEING SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FIFTEEN YEARS will help to change that, as well as continue to motivate me to get my shit together so that I can move out there soon. At the end of the day, I don't see myself becoming homesick for this state, ever. Nostalgic, yes. Homesick... Hell no. Like I said, this place never felt like home to begin with.

Wish me luck, friends. Words could never express how badly I want to go out there. I SERIOUSLY need this change of scenery. I need to be near the ocean. Even if it's only for a short while.