metalphilia

My anxiety and paranoia are excruciating tonight. I wish they would simply leave me alone, living in fear can't be healthy. But, as a realist, I can't ignore how shitty this world and a lot of the people in it seem to be.

I need to focus on the things in this world that are beautiful. I need to find some sort of middle ground between awareness and peace. Easier said than done.

The fact that my life still seems to be shit - no matter how hard I try to change things for the better - doesn't help. It seems like no amount of hoping, or wishful thinking, or trying, has done me any good so far. Everything ALWAYS goes to shit. No matter how positively I try to think, almost everything falls apart sooner or later. Kinda makes me wonder if I was ever meant to be happy. True happiness and peace haven't happened for me so far. I've never had it in me to just give up, I'm too stubborn to not hope at least a little bit. But I feel like I slip closer and closer to giving up on everything and just letting myself rot away every day. I don't know how I'm supposed to continue trying when everything seems to be crushing me.

At the age of twenty-two, I feel old as dirt. I just want to be fucking happy.