To apply to be an SG or not to apply to be an SG. This is what has been on my mind for the last year, for the most part. Ever since I became familiar with SuicideGirls, I always thought it was absolutely amazing. Im not even sure why I want to do it. I just know that I want to do it, and badly. I feel like I need to do it. Almost like Im being compelled to do it. Like its my destiny to be naked on the internet or something.
Its kind of risky to do that, though. What if a future employer sees those pictures of me? Then, Im fucked. Also, people say a lot of really fucked up things about SuicideGirls. I know that not everyones gonna love it, but it really hit me the other day that, if I were to become an SG, those things that people say would apply to me, too. At least, according to the clueless, jealous assholes that say them. It just kind of came as a shock. Not to mention the fact that Im a dancer. If I did this and people found out, Id probably never be allowed back at the dance studio.
Not that I really give a fuck what anyone thinks of me, though. If I do do this one day, itll be to prove to myself that I can be beautiful. Not for praise, not for attention, but for me. Itll be for the excitement of actually doing something with my life, something beautiful. But as much as I love SG, I dont know if I need it to do that with my life. I dont know if its worth the risk of not getting a job in the future. That doesnt change the fact that I still feel strongly compelled to do it. Like its just part of who I am.
Sigh Decisions, decisions. Im giving myself a little bit of time to decide if I want to do it or not. I dont want to have to choose between different parts of me. Im going to have to think about whether Im willing to take that risk or not.
I have a feeling that Im just gonna bite the bullet and end up doing it anyway.
Its kind of risky to do that, though. What if a future employer sees those pictures of me? Then, Im fucked. Also, people say a lot of really fucked up things about SuicideGirls. I know that not everyones gonna love it, but it really hit me the other day that, if I were to become an SG, those things that people say would apply to me, too. At least, according to the clueless, jealous assholes that say them. It just kind of came as a shock. Not to mention the fact that Im a dancer. If I did this and people found out, Id probably never be allowed back at the dance studio.
Not that I really give a fuck what anyone thinks of me, though. If I do do this one day, itll be to prove to myself that I can be beautiful. Not for praise, not for attention, but for me. Itll be for the excitement of actually doing something with my life, something beautiful. But as much as I love SG, I dont know if I need it to do that with my life. I dont know if its worth the risk of not getting a job in the future. That doesnt change the fact that I still feel strongly compelled to do it. Like its just part of who I am.
Sigh Decisions, decisions. Im giving myself a little bit of time to decide if I want to do it or not. I dont want to have to choose between different parts of me. Im going to have to think about whether Im willing to take that risk or not.
I have a feeling that Im just gonna bite the bullet and end up doing it anyway.
Then again, I have made my mom aware that this was something I wanted to do, and she sees it from a completely different perspective. As do a small portion of friends I have. Otherwise, my boyfriend now, and other family and friends support my decision and know that this is ME.
If we did everything the way everyone else wanted us to, then we would never be ourselves.
lol if that makes sense.
XOXO
Twiitch
Very interesting blog. When you make a choice(any decision for that matter) you make it based on your situations(i.e. personal desire, social impact, finacial considerations). There are what you will assess as positive or negitive reactions that you are willing to accept. Putting yourself out for the world to see has it's share of risk and reward. In the end, this is something you can decide. Notice I did not say "must decide". If you limit it to a "do or do not" then you take away your true "choice". You are your own person and there for will know what is right for you in the end.
This website has much to offer on many different areas of the "culture". Take all the time you need because in the end only you know what is right for you.
Again, Happy Birthday. Have a great day.