I've often wondered how I got to be who I am today. Is it really how I was raised? Or who I chose to consider friends? Or the fact that I do drugs? Or is it what I was taught in school? It could be all of it, combined, as you will surely tell me. But I doubt all of this is what makes me. Some of the things in my life are completely irrelevant to other things. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what my biggest influences are to make me who I am today. It's kinda hard to depict that when for so long I've been led to realize that everythng I've experienced, physically, mentally or as a witness, is connected and is ultimatey my mental make-up. Sometimes, I want to believe that it's not. And that I can truely change who I am with the snap of my fingers. Or become who I really want to be whenever I see fit. Or be what other people want me to be without lying to myself and everyone else.
I want to be tangible, like liquid. Flow in and out of everything. But even as liquid, I suppose I am still being influenced by the cracks on the surface or the obstacles that surround me.
I like where I am today. But I don't neccessarily like who I am or feel too great about what I've done to get here. Socially, I think I'm pretty cool. But who I am internally, how I use my time, how emotional I can be, the decisions I make . . . . not so cool.
All these thoughts are killing me. And I'm thinking about all of this now because it just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that fuck - I'm going to be 24 in June and I havn't graduated college yet, I don't have what the majority would consider a real job, I only have 1 best friend who also plays my lover, my beloved magazine has gone as far as my backyard, and I have not a single dime in my savings account (actually, maybe $5, which is the minimum amount I must have in my account to stay open.) And this is all because of who I am and what I do.
I want to curse and kick and scream but as for now, I think i'm just going to do what I do best - feel sorry for myself.
And figure out, where did I go wrong? And when I find out, can it be fixed?
What a depressing ASS entry.
boo.
I want to be tangible, like liquid. Flow in and out of everything. But even as liquid, I suppose I am still being influenced by the cracks on the surface or the obstacles that surround me.
I like where I am today. But I don't neccessarily like who I am or feel too great about what I've done to get here. Socially, I think I'm pretty cool. But who I am internally, how I use my time, how emotional I can be, the decisions I make . . . . not so cool.
All these thoughts are killing me. And I'm thinking about all of this now because it just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that fuck - I'm going to be 24 in June and I havn't graduated college yet, I don't have what the majority would consider a real job, I only have 1 best friend who also plays my lover, my beloved magazine has gone as far as my backyard, and I have not a single dime in my savings account (actually, maybe $5, which is the minimum amount I must have in my account to stay open.) And this is all because of who I am and what I do.
I want to curse and kick and scream but as for now, I think i'm just going to do what I do best - feel sorry for myself.
And figure out, where did I go wrong? And when I find out, can it be fixed?
What a depressing ASS entry.
boo.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
sillyzebra:
its friday !!!!!! radiohead is still gay ..
devildoll:
Come gang up on louie_the_Zebra with koala and I!