In 2001 Bush took office. I never really got into electoral politics until then. I saw true evil and couldn't ignore it anymore. Fast forward 20 years and honestly I am just exhausted. I understand that the economic and political landscape is a nightmare, fascism has all but won, and there is really not much I can do about it. Plus it has given everyone the brainworms.
So when I interact with people about politics online, I give myself the brainworms, and I no longer wish to have the brainworms. Because the brainworms are literally making me sick, both physically and mentally. I have to stop this, especially with an election year coming up.
I know that some bands focus on specific political things and specific political figures but I have always thought that making my politics in my music as nonspecific as possible (about rebellion, revolt, etc and not about, say, Trump or the failures of the Democratic party) will make the songs relevant no matter what is going on or who is in office. But here's the thing: my band does not actually exist except as a mental construct I have built up in my head. It is a tree that has borne no fruit mostly due to my failings as a human being and alcoholism. My friend and guitar player in this two-man project has put up with more of my shit than any human being has the right to do. I would have probably cut ties with someone a long time ago if they had let me down and disappointed me as many times as I have him. He's a better man than I am and I hope to one day make him proud, and not be this habitual fuckup who he consistently wants to put distance between.
I love him and I cannot ever repay him for the patience he has shown me. We share a dream that I have over and over again turned into a nightmare. I am not going to dwell on the shame and guilt I have over this because it isn't productive. I am just going to do a 180 and reinvent myself and suit up and show up when I am asked.
Because as one of the most badass human beings I have ever known, Andrew Vachss said, "If you can't be counted ON, then you can't be counted IN." I cannot move forward with this as long as I am not progressing as a human being. And I have been in this state of stagnation for about 20 years now. This has to end.
My New Year's resolution for many years has been the same running joke: "I resolve not to make any stupid promises to myself I can't keep." Basically I resolve to have no resolutions. This is going to have to change, too.
I am resolving to becoming the best version of myself I can be. To find a semblance of inner peace. To find joy in my work. To maintain my sobriety as best as I can. To stop letting things that are out of my control to rent space in my head. To stop disappointing my friends and family. To find new interests and hobbies outside of my narrow focus on a band I have continued to sabotage but to also finish what I have started because we have actually accomplished a lot but not anything that translates to having anything to actually show for it. To avoid drama, conflict, and negativity.
I cannot promise I can do all of these things but for the sake of my friends and family I am gonna damn well try. Although for the sake of maintaining a positive attitude I should probably reflect on the wisdom of Yoda when he told Luke "There is no 'try'. Do."
