Caution: Long Entry Ahead
So all this time, for the past few weeks, Jason had planned to go to the nintendo fusion tour with justin (from work). I think maybe he only told me once or maybe not at all, but I had no idea it was in st. louis. Well on thursday night, Amy and I both found this out, and on a whim decided that I would tag along and while they were at the show, I would hang out with her. This was really the most exciting thing ever. We've been separated since August 18th and that is far too long for two people who have been each other's other half for 4-5 years. I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't realize how much I missed her until I spent the evening with her. She said it perfectly--"It feels so natural for you to be here," as I laid on her bed, her at her desk. All this time in Indiana I've felt so lonely, so not like myself, and for the four or so hours I was with her, life felt completely 110% normal again. And that's how I realized that the unnatural feeling I have when I'm here is that of being without her.
She wanted to surprise Marco, and she did. We met her across the street from the pageant, did the classic run towards each other and hug for 5 minutes thing. It was so sweet to have my face buried in her hair as I hugged her...all was right with the world in that moment. Marco was waiting on the other side of the street for the mystery thing that she had given him the following hints about:
"We have to meet it at 6 o'clock, and you can be there for awhile but then I have to be alone with it until 11, I need privacy. It's smaller than us. Its purpose is to make me happy, but it will make you happy too. We have to return it at 11."
He was so fucking confused and SO surprised to see me, as we popped up from behind a car, into his view. It was good to see him, and give him a nice hug. As the person who takes care of my most treasured friend, he's an important person to me. The five of us chatted for a little bit, then we separated. Amy, Marco and I took the metro to their campus. I got showed around a little bit, stopped by her room, then we went to dinner just the two of us. A cute but busy (too small for its level of apparant popularity I think) Italian place across the street from campus called Vito's. The hostess was a stupid whore. We must have sat at the table for two and a half hours talking. I think we only spent 30 of those minutes actually eating. I drank a lot of coffee, she got dessert, but mostly she told me the story of some really sad news that I missed because of our stupid "fight." Although it was heartbreaking and difficult to watch her struggle to tell me, it felt good in a way to feel close to her again, to just sit and listen to her speak from her amazing heart and watch her eyes and feel what is behind them. The guilt I feel for not being there for her when this happened 1.5 months ago is overwhelming, but I can't think about that anymore, it's gone it's over it's in the past. All I can do now is regain her trust and be there for her 200% for every single day to come. What happened is something I am not at liberty to discuss, I wouldn't want to even if I were, but it's something I have not stopped thinking about for the past 36 or whatever hours. My heart breaks for her and the other person and I want nothing more than to be with her, be there for her, and also call my mom and cry to her. The similarity of our lives in some ways is striking, and that makes me so scared. I feel helpless but determined. It's awful when you want to reach out to someone so badly but you can't or don't know how to. I know Amy's feeling of this is obviously so much greater than mine, but I feel it too, towards both of them. Anyways, this is all very cryptic, but I'm really just writing this for her to read, so I don't care. She knows.
We went back to her room for a little bit. I laid on her bed and we just laughed and talked like old times. JUST like old times. So normal, so familiar. When I had to leave, it was unreal. I thought about her and all of our memories together for the whole 3 hour ride home. I rode a delicate balance between total and utter sadness and total and utter love and joy. Now life is back to that half empty feeling. I miss her so much. It makes me wonder how life is going to be when I go back to Maryland and go to school in D.C. I'll be so much further from her. I hate it. I'm so bitter towards life for its natural progression that rips friends apart.
So all this time, for the past few weeks, Jason had planned to go to the nintendo fusion tour with justin (from work). I think maybe he only told me once or maybe not at all, but I had no idea it was in st. louis. Well on thursday night, Amy and I both found this out, and on a whim decided that I would tag along and while they were at the show, I would hang out with her. This was really the most exciting thing ever. We've been separated since August 18th and that is far too long for two people who have been each other's other half for 4-5 years. I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't realize how much I missed her until I spent the evening with her. She said it perfectly--"It feels so natural for you to be here," as I laid on her bed, her at her desk. All this time in Indiana I've felt so lonely, so not like myself, and for the four or so hours I was with her, life felt completely 110% normal again. And that's how I realized that the unnatural feeling I have when I'm here is that of being without her.
She wanted to surprise Marco, and she did. We met her across the street from the pageant, did the classic run towards each other and hug for 5 minutes thing. It was so sweet to have my face buried in her hair as I hugged her...all was right with the world in that moment. Marco was waiting on the other side of the street for the mystery thing that she had given him the following hints about:
"We have to meet it at 6 o'clock, and you can be there for awhile but then I have to be alone with it until 11, I need privacy. It's smaller than us. Its purpose is to make me happy, but it will make you happy too. We have to return it at 11."
He was so fucking confused and SO surprised to see me, as we popped up from behind a car, into his view. It was good to see him, and give him a nice hug. As the person who takes care of my most treasured friend, he's an important person to me. The five of us chatted for a little bit, then we separated. Amy, Marco and I took the metro to their campus. I got showed around a little bit, stopped by her room, then we went to dinner just the two of us. A cute but busy (too small for its level of apparant popularity I think) Italian place across the street from campus called Vito's. The hostess was a stupid whore. We must have sat at the table for two and a half hours talking. I think we only spent 30 of those minutes actually eating. I drank a lot of coffee, she got dessert, but mostly she told me the story of some really sad news that I missed because of our stupid "fight." Although it was heartbreaking and difficult to watch her struggle to tell me, it felt good in a way to feel close to her again, to just sit and listen to her speak from her amazing heart and watch her eyes and feel what is behind them. The guilt I feel for not being there for her when this happened 1.5 months ago is overwhelming, but I can't think about that anymore, it's gone it's over it's in the past. All I can do now is regain her trust and be there for her 200% for every single day to come. What happened is something I am not at liberty to discuss, I wouldn't want to even if I were, but it's something I have not stopped thinking about for the past 36 or whatever hours. My heart breaks for her and the other person and I want nothing more than to be with her, be there for her, and also call my mom and cry to her. The similarity of our lives in some ways is striking, and that makes me so scared. I feel helpless but determined. It's awful when you want to reach out to someone so badly but you can't or don't know how to. I know Amy's feeling of this is obviously so much greater than mine, but I feel it too, towards both of them. Anyways, this is all very cryptic, but I'm really just writing this for her to read, so I don't care. She knows.
We went back to her room for a little bit. I laid on her bed and we just laughed and talked like old times. JUST like old times. So normal, so familiar. When I had to leave, it was unreal. I thought about her and all of our memories together for the whole 3 hour ride home. I rode a delicate balance between total and utter sadness and total and utter love and joy. Now life is back to that half empty feeling. I miss her so much. It makes me wonder how life is going to be when I go back to Maryland and go to school in D.C. I'll be so much further from her. I hate it. I'm so bitter towards life for its natural progression that rips friends apart.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
things will work out love...i promise
I don't think I have a friend in which I feel as close as you feel to your girl....that's an awesome friendship and I wish both of you nothing but the best.
Now stop reading this and go hang with your pal.