Friday Night Agenda Fights!
1.) The Day
2.) Where I Am
3.) Past Life Wistfulness
4.) Where I Am Not
5.) Harbinger
being on vacation time due to the later evening plans still to be described, I slept in to recover some from a late night. met demigauge at the max stop, did a little grocery shopping, then proceeded to bake cookies as she destroyed Gun Grave in two hours (ps the tomato soup says hi). then I put on my suit of remarkable sociability and tie of hidden danger to attend a wedding reception of a friend of mine from high school, who somehow married a girl in the area. with him being mormon, I was certainly on my best behavior, and it was quite a suprise to him and his family to see me out there suddenly, and it was a marvelous time catching up with him, his older sister, and the rest of his family, people who I had known plenty well during my troubled years of high school band and drama geekdom. the interesting part comes in the form of his older sister, who was always a little radical for our high school population and certainly for the mormon population, was a little snobby way back when but really made the night interesting as we now have plenty in common and talked the night away. now I'm back and full of thoughts, so take one bounce and let's all dive in headfirst.
where i am is realizing, once again, that lust without the basis of deeper running intimacy leaves me desiring that something more, that finer understanding, that relaxed nature that comes with the shared breath and body and not just the function of digits and senses, something coming from the inside out instead of the outside in. i find myself watching things from a distance, eyeing myself carefully to find out how true i am being to myself, feeling like i'm losing my grasp on what made my life stable just weeks ago, feeling fingertips claw and dig into that last tiny grasp, realizing i need to take my hands off the wheel, allow the spiral to take me, the riptide ot sink me, to close my eyes and let go for god's sake and follow this thing out until it expires, just needing to wait for the eventual resurface, the forthcoming conclusion to this situation, this tale in the works, this experience. now is not the time to make a decision, now is not the time to rush. and i say please to the nothing, please let me go, let me go.
i would have liked to be the person who discovered popcorn on accident. what a thrill that would have been.
where i am not is on a level playing field in any sense right now. this is not a place of stability, i must keep moving. this is not the place of deeper dreams and settled emotions, this is not a place without anxiety, this is indeed somewhere i must continue to move past. i must get back into the darkness, into some form of sanctuary, of safety and repose. i am not in a place where i can write for long periods of time in any coherent way; i am too full of all the things i have yet to figure out. i must give this up.
yes, this is indeed a little bit of speaking in code, and it's really just words on the beginning of an interesting situation. the truth is I feel tense, anxious, worrisome, yet full of desire, a hard state to find myself in. desire becomes much more powerful when it is coupled with an open and comfortable avenue of experession, not a compressed and tense one. i feel like my statements are coming out poorly worded and stiff, not at all my usual feel. this is not good. i need to get out; i need a new perspective; i need to find a release. there is much time; there can only be more things on the way.
p.s. I like kittens
1.) The Day
2.) Where I Am
3.) Past Life Wistfulness
4.) Where I Am Not
5.) Harbinger
being on vacation time due to the later evening plans still to be described, I slept in to recover some from a late night. met demigauge at the max stop, did a little grocery shopping, then proceeded to bake cookies as she destroyed Gun Grave in two hours (ps the tomato soup says hi). then I put on my suit of remarkable sociability and tie of hidden danger to attend a wedding reception of a friend of mine from high school, who somehow married a girl in the area. with him being mormon, I was certainly on my best behavior, and it was quite a suprise to him and his family to see me out there suddenly, and it was a marvelous time catching up with him, his older sister, and the rest of his family, people who I had known plenty well during my troubled years of high school band and drama geekdom. the interesting part comes in the form of his older sister, who was always a little radical for our high school population and certainly for the mormon population, was a little snobby way back when but really made the night interesting as we now have plenty in common and talked the night away. now I'm back and full of thoughts, so take one bounce and let's all dive in headfirst.
where i am is realizing, once again, that lust without the basis of deeper running intimacy leaves me desiring that something more, that finer understanding, that relaxed nature that comes with the shared breath and body and not just the function of digits and senses, something coming from the inside out instead of the outside in. i find myself watching things from a distance, eyeing myself carefully to find out how true i am being to myself, feeling like i'm losing my grasp on what made my life stable just weeks ago, feeling fingertips claw and dig into that last tiny grasp, realizing i need to take my hands off the wheel, allow the spiral to take me, the riptide ot sink me, to close my eyes and let go for god's sake and follow this thing out until it expires, just needing to wait for the eventual resurface, the forthcoming conclusion to this situation, this tale in the works, this experience. now is not the time to make a decision, now is not the time to rush. and i say please to the nothing, please let me go, let me go.
i would have liked to be the person who discovered popcorn on accident. what a thrill that would have been.
where i am not is on a level playing field in any sense right now. this is not a place of stability, i must keep moving. this is not the place of deeper dreams and settled emotions, this is not a place without anxiety, this is indeed somewhere i must continue to move past. i must get back into the darkness, into some form of sanctuary, of safety and repose. i am not in a place where i can write for long periods of time in any coherent way; i am too full of all the things i have yet to figure out. i must give this up.
yes, this is indeed a little bit of speaking in code, and it's really just words on the beginning of an interesting situation. the truth is I feel tense, anxious, worrisome, yet full of desire, a hard state to find myself in. desire becomes much more powerful when it is coupled with an open and comfortable avenue of experession, not a compressed and tense one. i feel like my statements are coming out poorly worded and stiff, not at all my usual feel. this is not good. i need to get out; i need a new perspective; i need to find a release. there is much time; there can only be more things on the way.
p.s. I like kittens
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
alyssum:
Just stopping by to say hello again... it was good meeting you, sharing a good 'n heady beer. 
thursday:
stability schmability