mephausto

here i am, still here. somehow i have survived many hours of numbed living, a glorious escape from nothing as everything is still ever present. these feelings awake the insomniac inside and my eyes keep open to look at these troubles before me.

what more is required, i should wonder, to be functional again; i should think these confrontations coming soon should awaken dormant aches and worries for a transitional struggle into self once again.

i'm trying to pick up the pillars and foundations of these spilled card houses, finding too many wild cards that shook and fell in the breeze. i'm waiting to discover that i do have people to talk to, though i'm realizing i've barricaded myself behind my own solipsistic understanding of life's functions, my mouth shut all this time. i am purposefully alone, racing to catch my elusive sense of self.

don't be fooled by these fragments, the refractions of the light from the water's edge, it's not real and neither am i; this illusory grasp on things evaporates with just a breath and i've once again taken beneficial factors for granted.

the only thing to do when it has all fallen down around me is to rebuild.

i cannot rebuild while it is still raining. i have to wait for this to pass. for now i exist, and that's it.

time to get away.

on other notes, illusions abound in the world of fractured dreams, so don't be suprised when lines are drawn that circle us in somehow, unwillingly. my choice is always nothing, that it doesn't even matter in the end so let it all go to begin with. sad songs abound and there's just no comfort in being hurt.

don't let fear motivate you. sometimes letting go of fear is the last step to freedom. let freedom motivate you.

then again, i don't know if i understand freedom, either. but i certainly can't stand fear.

shit. i'm going to be up late.