mephausto

to inform you all on the happenings of my life at this juncture, to fill in the blanks between my sparse and brief entries would be ludicrous--ludicrous, i say--but to not communicate something from the strange and fantastic kaleidoscopic tornado i find myself floating in would be a criminal offense (in forty-two states, officially) and thus here we embark on the patient and incoherent of .M.

to say that something fantastic has entered my life would be incorrect; though she has entered into my life--with or without consent i'm still not sure--is given, but the substance she brings to it is hard to say. conceding what littile room i have allowed to be filled, the potency that fills it is much more complex and interesting than any previous. this is not to say i have found any sort of perfect match but rather a place within myself, residing within this newly formed gravitational relationship, that is much more stable and true to self than before; my boundaries are definite, i remain insular and adrift, though this dual orbit created seems to keep all motion or stillness just so. comfort is still questioned, though this detachment of investment seems to assist this ease of feeling, as if a zen breeze could lift the sails and i could walk away complete and content, as i am now. this is not to say that it is not pleasing, no, not in the least, as i am feeling much more at ease and strong than previously, being that the mandate is not to acquire, not to woo or love or gain but to remain true to self, keep values and strengths while with another.

and so i eat a raspberry milano. thank you, whatever avatar or deity created those.

yet i fear that my self-monitoring is not as sharp as i think it to be, that again my blinders are facing the side with the fewest flags, that my night vision leads me astray as i trustingly walk over the edge. still i walk slower than before, minus the occasional jump across percieved gaps, across lengths i think there to be no other route, though even those are fewer than before. i fear investment, even loss with what little i have done so far. the future is not my concern; being simply present is difficult enough.

for a moment i think myself fabricated, imagined, a character created and hardly real in the end; for wahtever reason, this comforts.

again, fear and comfort circle one another, caught in the usual celestial duality i tend to follow, and i let them both be, having no use in choosing one or the other. time, as they say, goes on, and i, at the end of the day, just close my eyes and slip away, just slip away, just slip away.

(only to be greeted by the morning once again, but the sun shall rise only to set, when all things are said and done the earth follows the moon around the sun and time, it says, follows itself to the ocean of never meeting the sky of forever, floating on those waters, breathing in that air i slip away, slip away, slip away)

ahem.

i have also secured the new home of .M. and pyratwilly, a perfect little place for living, though don't expect parties to be held there. not only do we have immediate upstairs neighbors, being the lower floor of a house and all, but it's such a nice place i'm not going to risk losing it. if i had dreamt of the perfect place to move into at this point, i probably couldn't have done much better than where i found. this month will soon become a blur or packing and preparation, but once the next month begins all will be wonderful.

that said, anyone know where i can buy used arcade games, pinball specifically?

ps i'm sorry for all the obligations i break, i am overwhelmed and underfunded. it pains me to miss all that i should not miss.