I've never been the type that was capable of suspending rationality long enough to embrace the thought that a phantom in the sky is watching everything that I do. However, I find myself growing so fucking weary of always being so mother fucking angry. I've been thinking about doing something drastic to help myself better cope with the rage that is constantly bubbling through my veins. I've always been interested in the teachings/ideology of Buddha. I think maybe some of their techniques might help me contain my self loathing. I'm tired of always feeling like I shouldn't be here. Like I should have just given in to death a long time ago. I want to be free of the memories that haunt my every moment, awake or asleep. I think maybe I can find peace with myself. If you knew the turmoil that is constantly brewing behind my eyes you'd know how far I have to go to obtain peace. I'm not sure it is even possible. Not even if I spent every minute of the next sixty years in near constant meditation. I have so much shit in my head. Things I did to others. Things others did to me. I have blood on my hands and I can't wash them clean. Even when the ones I made bleed forgave me long ago. I can't forgive myself. The questions I have for anyone who reads this are, Do you think that anything can save me from these waking nightmares? Do you think meditation will help me inch my way towards inner peace? Or am I just deluding myself?