I was arguing back and forth with myself about if I should post this blog or not. Finally, my depression won out over my better judgment. So here is what I want to say in this blog:
I feel like I have become a curse on those people who try to get close to me. I was talking to a woman a couple years ago. We both liked each other. She complained one day about not feeling very good. The next day she wasn't replying to my text messages. I gave up on messaging her after a while, thinking she'd lost interest in me. A week after she stopped replying her father texted me saying she had died from pneumonia.
I started talking to this other woman about two weeks ago. Everything was going great until the night before last. Once again she just stopped answering my messages. Then yesterday while I was at work I got a message saying she was in a horrible car accident. She had several shattered ribs which had punctured a couple of organs. She was given a 5-15% chance of recovery. After the surgery they told the family that her brain activity was medium-low and decreasing rapidly. The doctors say there is nothing more they can do she will either become brain dead or die from organ failure. What really pisses me off about this one is it is my fault. She left work so that she could go home and have some privacy so we could talk. One of her employees called her back into work. If I hadn't of talked her into going home she would be fine.
I came the closest I have ever come to seriously hurting myself yesterday. I hate myself on a good day. I can't even begin to describe the intense level of self loathing that I'm experiencing today. I think I'm done with any form of intimacy. I can't bear to feel like I might be responsible for yet another persons death.
