melvina

manic.panic.I.WENT.TO.WAL-MART. hell.

and there was an alarm so loud i held.my.hands.to.my.ears.and.yelled.

yelled for it to STOP and people.just.kept.shopping. like everything was normal. but not me. i'm stuck in the vegetable section, screaming like a fuckin maniac "TURN IT OFF!" and pacing.

oh. and i freaked out the mexicans. sorry, guys.

i got go-go juice and went.inside.on.a.manic.HIGH. high, high up but no drugs. sigh. i walked.briskly. and shopped like a man.

i WENT to lane 13 which is the cigarette lane, WHICH- after 10pm you can put MORE than ten items on the roller-thingie. WHICH I DID. and cackled and grinned as the line behind me became more.and.more.pissed.off.at.LITTLE.OLE.MEL.

bwahahahahahahaha.

i.pissed.the.jock.and.bitch.off. so. very. badly. and he. slammed. his mountain dew. on the roller-thingie. and so i said.

"well, now let's get pissy, why don't we? there are self check out lanes, you know. that is. if you can figure out how to use them. ASS."

and. he. was. angry. and. i. CACKLED. and grinned. some more. and. when i was finished.

the register had to close. to change drawers. which made. everyone. even angrier. behind me.

still. i cackled. still. i grinned. because. it was simply. delightful. and delicious. to feed. again.

i have been awake since 6:30.in.the.A.M. with. 2.5 hours of drunken sleep. to wake with a dry tongue and a hang-over from. every thing. and i. did so much. and i. went to work. and i. did not. hurt. any one. to.day.

congrats, eh?

i just sat here and let a perfectly good cigarette burn down because i forgot about it. makes you wonder what'll happen to me one of these days when i'm not paying attention. as usual. and just talking to myself.

i am. drinking wine from a plastic cinci reds uniforms.from.the.past. cup. that came out of my sisters cabinets. i am. ridden. with attitude and flippancy and. armed with a hawk blade and blanket. sitting in the living room. above the dead. listening to the NOTHING that is the downstairs.

and the EVERYTHING. that is the Upstairs. because. i entered wal-mart talking to myself. out.loud. and did. the whole time. i shopped. and i. believe this to be normal. but. i guess. to some. it's not.

i. danced around the bread isle with 101A's nurses' wife. who.is.lovely. and. he doesn't mind. because. he doesn't like any one. but he likes me. and therefore. i get. to touch her. and she gets. that part of jules. a part. a small part. that she is missing. for she was in love. with my sister. for so long.

and LONGED. to tell her. just. before. she died. and now regrets. that she did not. her first. her first love of a woman. which i understand. and know. very well. as i have had mine. that first. miss carla shae with the eyes of a tiger and the body.of.betty.paige.

reminds me of. the first glance. of the six.foot.tall.amazon. i got in a dark bar, one night on the first "date" i went on with my ex. and. forgot all about him. to secretly stare. at her. at her. and feel. the jealous glare. of another. and it was then. that i. was obsessed. with the girl. that is russ. and still am. i shall stalk her. one day. baby. russ. do.you.hear.me?

manic, i say and tired, i am. so. good night, i'm getting drunk by myself.

i am hiding pain.