melindab

I spent the 4th with my mother, stepfather, sister, and grandparents. It was good. I feel different towards my mother already. I figured that's what would happen as soon as i moved out. I didn't live with her growing up, and during that time she and I were really close. I moved in with my mom when i was 13 and we didn't really click. It feels like things might go back to how they used to be, when she was more of a sister than a mother to me.
I kept finding myself lost in my thoughts when i was talking to my mother and grandmother. I couldn't stop thinking about how similar we all are. We've all been through so much bullshit that none of us ever deserved and we all hide it like it's something that we did wrong. It made me feel so many different emotions that i had to keep leaving them. It makes me feel somewhat connected to know that if we would allow it my mother and I could really bond with eachother considering we've lived almost the same exact life, i'm just trying not to have a kid quite as young as she did. And it makes me feel hopeless because it appears as if my life is cursed or something. I didn't know as a child all the shit my mom had gone through as a child herself, yet without her knowledge i went through that same shit, sorry if i'm vague. But it's like it was bound to happen. Like every decision i make was predetermined and my life is going to be exactly as tragic as my mothers plus some. Maybe my birth control will fail and a condom will break and the next thing you know i have a kid before i'm twenty. Then i can be poor and lonely and i'll have to fight to give my child a life that's better than the one i had... i dont want that to happen at all... and i'm going to do everything possible to change our luck with the children i have (a long ass time from now)... It's just weird to look at two people who should be so close to you, but are so far away, and know that you are all the same person in some sense. I can't even explain it so i'm going to stop trying.