I really need to get something out of my head because it is tormenting me in such an epic way and I can't turn to any of my social media profiles for fear of backlash.
At the beginning of August, someone I deeply love died. We were messaging each other and she was talking dirty to me, as she liked to do, and then the messages stopped. The next morning she was found dead on her bedroom floor. We still don't have a cause and it's frustrating me.
A few days later at a mourning, her ex boyfriend (who she dumped to be with me) approached me and the first words out of his mouth were "I'm still angry, but I think we should put it all behind us". Now I get that he was trying to find closure and to find a way to move on, but this lousy piece of shit had spent the 5 years of their relationship cheating on her and telling those women that he was breaking up with her because she was, and I quote, "a fucking psycho bitch". Then one day she was on his computer when she found a file with my name as the title. Upon opening it she found photographs of me, documents containing my address and other personal details, and online conversations that I'd had with her. She made him delete the file and talked me out of getting a restraining order (or caving his skull in with a crowbar). The 2nd instance of stalking occurred one night when we were in bed. He had been texting her through the night and at 4am announced that he was coming in to have words with me. He'd been sitting out the front of her house. She blocked him from breaking in and again talked me out of getting a restraining order. And this prick had the audacity to tell me he is still angry. This has plagued my mind for almost 2 months and there's not a damn thing I can do or say about it because some of her best friends are still friends with this guy, even after finding out everything he's said and done. That stuns me.
So add to that, I'm struggling to reconcile living in a world without her in it. We would message each other every single day. It would start with a good morning message and end with 'Good night. Sweet dreams. xxx' and if we weren't having one of our far too frequent time outs 'I love you' was included. I don't have that anymore. I've been robbed of that. I don't know how to deal with it. I see people around me who are in relationships and I don't want to be near them. Some of these people are my best friends and I just can't be social with them anymore.
For the longest time, my greatest fear was growing old and dying alone, now I welcome it. I don't want to meet someone new, get to know them, fall in love with them, and lose them. I've had 2 great loves in my life, 1 I married and then we eventually ended for a multitude of reasons, and the other died. I can't do this again. I can't let someone in and have them walk away or die. I know that's a part of life, but it doesn't mean I have to experience this ever again. The walls have gone up and I no longer believe in a happily ever after.
I start with a therapist next week to help me deal with my grief, my anger, and my newfound disbelief in romantic love. If anyone has read this and is now feeling bummed out, I am truly sorry. I didn't mean for my grief and disillusionment to bring anyone down. I just needed to get it out of my head. I think I'm just in desperate need of an hour long hug.