Therapy was today at noon. I will not have an appt in the middle of my
workday again. very upset...sick to my stomach...worried aboutit all nite and morning and have to go back to
work.
Therapy is like working a sore muscle. You work on it and it is sore for a few
days. Then you can go on.
Issues...guilt. Over friends suicides. Stephanie was depressed and I
was not there for her. I was just out of high school and she was still in
school. I knew that she was struggling....and I blame myself.
Mark and I were friends and we were going to move in together. He was
having girlfriend problems. He left and we could not find him. I
searched and searched, called and called. A month later his body was found in
a state park in another state...just did not want to be saved. And I
feel so guilty.
When he was so depressed, I wanted to be there for him. He did not want
me. I did not know how to approach him and talk...or even help. He
pushed me away with his silence and privacy. And that hurt. I did not want
him to commit suicide too. I did not know how to deal with this. I
tried to show love and the love that I have for him, but he seemed to not
care or believe me. I made sure that I told him that I loved him at
every phone call-just in case it was the last. This tore me apart, but I
could not let him know.
I love him. I want to be a better person than I was and I am trying to
make those changes. Our relationship is very important to me. Any
changes that I make eventually impact our relationship and make it better. I
hope that it does and I am striving for that. I want to be a good
person and not let bad things/thoughts run my life. Anything
negative-thoughts, relationships, discussions, people-eventually impacts me and the
relationship that I hold most important. And I do not want a
negative relationship and I hope that he doesn't either. I don't want people to
try to mess up things now that we are working on them. Things are better
and I want things to be even better. It hurts when I think that I am the only
one that wants to get rid of all the negative and detrimental things. It hurts when I think
that I am the only one that thinks that our relationship is important. It
hurts when I think that I am the only one that wants us to get better
(mentally and emotionally) and closer. It hurts when I think that I am
not the most important in his life.
And I hope that I am. I am trying to communicate and come out of my shell some.
I think things are looking up!
workday again. very upset...sick to my stomach...worried aboutit all nite and morning and have to go back to
work.
Therapy is like working a sore muscle. You work on it and it is sore for a few
days. Then you can go on.
Issues...guilt. Over friends suicides. Stephanie was depressed and I
was not there for her. I was just out of high school and she was still in
school. I knew that she was struggling....and I blame myself.
Mark and I were friends and we were going to move in together. He was
having girlfriend problems. He left and we could not find him. I
searched and searched, called and called. A month later his body was found in
a state park in another state...just did not want to be saved. And I
feel so guilty.
When he was so depressed, I wanted to be there for him. He did not want
me. I did not know how to approach him and talk...or even help. He
pushed me away with his silence and privacy. And that hurt. I did not want
him to commit suicide too. I did not know how to deal with this. I
tried to show love and the love that I have for him, but he seemed to not
care or believe me. I made sure that I told him that I loved him at
every phone call-just in case it was the last. This tore me apart, but I
could not let him know.
I love him. I want to be a better person than I was and I am trying to
make those changes. Our relationship is very important to me. Any
changes that I make eventually impact our relationship and make it better. I
hope that it does and I am striving for that. I want to be a good
person and not let bad things/thoughts run my life. Anything
negative-thoughts, relationships, discussions, people-eventually impacts me and the
relationship that I hold most important. And I do not want a
negative relationship and I hope that he doesn't either. I don't want people to
try to mess up things now that we are working on them. Things are better
and I want things to be even better. It hurts when I think that I am the only
one that wants to get rid of all the negative and detrimental things. It hurts when I think
that I am the only one that thinks that our relationship is important. It
hurts when I think that I am the only one that wants us to get better
(mentally and emotionally) and closer. It hurts when I think that I am
not the most important in his life.
And I hope that I am. I am trying to communicate and come out of my shell some.
I think things are looking up!
He carried on in his addiction until he could take no more. I remained close to his family after the break and I was the first one called the day he died. He was weighing heavily on my mind the other day and I was commenting at a 12 step meeting about some relationship growth for me and the story of him and I was flooding out all over the place then I realized right in the middle of my comment that it'd been 11 years that day.
Suicide is a bizzarre animal. No matter how many times you try to put the puzzle together one piece always remains missing yet we try to put it all together over and over again. It's normal. When someone wants to complete nothing will stop them but devine intervention. There was nothing any of us could do for Chad.
I attended S.O.S groups for awhile after his death and took his little sister with me. She was only 14 or 15 at the time. It was horrible. Oh, S.O.S. stands for Survivors of Suicide. Look them up. I dunno if they are in your are or not.
I am so sorry that this has also touched your life. I wish that it did not EVER touch anyone's lives. It is so hard to take for the ones left behind.
thank you again....it certainly helps to know that others also know and understand.