melaniek

I still am going to therapy every week...darn. But I guess that I do need it. She did have a very astute observation. She said that the adult me is very even tempered, very logical, very determined, very sure of what I want and how I can work on it. But there are glimpses of an insecure child-very vulnernable and unsure-and then the very strong me tries to cover that scared cry with logic. And it is true. There are many reasons from my past that I just hate to be vulnerable. There is only so much truth that I can tell. There is only so much love that I give. There is only so much that I can communicate. And I am working on it.
I have a lot of wants:
to initiate and have completely open and honest communication
to love and be loved truly and completely
to trust and be trusted
to tell and be told complete truths
to be able to ask and be answered honestly
to consider feelings and have my feelings considered
to be desired
to know everything in our pasts
to love only him and to be the only one he loves
to be sure of intentions
to be sure of others and their intentions
to respect and be respected
to not hide things or have things hidden from me

I am truly working on all these things. And it is hard. Some days I am so happy and able to give of myself and my list of wants, full of love and hope for the future. And some days I do struggle so much, I just want to end it all and lay down and die. I know that I give myself my own mindfucks. I know that I cannot expect my own changes to be instantaneous, and that I am working on them. I continue to strive to overcome my own shit through therapy!