Work isn't going so well. I was so excited to get this job last summer, and up until October things were going really well. But the nature of the job is summer based, and the busiest months will be May- September. For the rest of the year the work dries up, which leaves me bored and restless. I take a lot of pride in my work, for something I spend 40 hours a week at, I want to take home more than a payslip. I've battled a lot of shit the past few years, I'm not going to make it all heroic, people have been through a lot worse. But for me, it was tough, and it took a lot to face it and battle it and accept that my perfect little life hadn't gone to anyone's plan, and I'd fucked up some huge opportunities in my life. So. It means a lot to me to get my career sorted, and feel like I'm actually part of this world, making a difference. And maybe it's no big deal, but I don't think I've made the right decision with this job. But I have to know that I've tried all my options, I have to know that I've done my best. So for now I have to stay and battle this. It might all work out, Im just disappointed that something with so much potential has fallen so quickly.
Family stuff, naturally, carries on. It looks likely that my brother will be going to India for at least a few months, as part of a work offer. Hell be out training in the call centres basically. It seems quite a sweet set up, a free two bed roomed flat, a company car and two flights home every year. The money isnt great but life out there will be cheaper which will make it easier for him to save. I guess hes looking to go in June, which makes me landlord of his flat here. Well rent it out and hopefully get a bit of income in from it. My parents are also off to Europe next month in a motor home, a few too many health scares and theyve realised its now or never. The mere thought of them being the age of now or never terrifies me, but Im glad they are grabbing an opportunity nonetheless. The older I get, the more my parents marriage amazes me. Any marriage in fact. To choose one person, to decide for them to be the one person who you stick with throughout absolutely every issue, to have days where you cant stand each other and still go to bed together at night. To support every decision and fuck up they make- its incredible. My parents are not soul mates, they were not destined for each other. As a consequence there have been some really bad times, but yet they still pushed through it. And its not just that I no longer believe I will ever meet that person I will marry, but its the fact that I no longer believe in that fight. I dont believe, in honesty. Im too cautious of being hurt, too aware of what other people may be thinking or feeling. My second guessing pushes them away, and I get hurt because no one ever stays. Its a vicious cycle. I try too hard to be perfect, and the whole saga is probably just too much for people to stay.
And so of course, the love life. What is it even? What is it that makes my heart beat so much faster, that thickens my mind with some weighted gravy- flooding in past my ears and behind my eyes? That wretched sinking feeling of nausea, the flinching dragging pain in my chest. When does that feeling leave us? It has been so long, years, since I havent felt that drunken state,. Years since I just felt myself and fine. A numb fine- waiting until the next time. And now I wait for that feeling to leave, so that I can too progress with my life and change for the better, do all the things that you are doing too. There are many types of love- how often do the two collide within one relationship? How often do you find two people who feel the same intensity as the other? How often is it not? I dont know. My knowledge of relationships is small and nave. I feel lonely this is true. I havent yet found that glimpse of excitement that the single life can provide. I can pretend convincingly of course, and there must be advantages to it. It is not so much needing someone, as wanting. I want to share my life with someone. Maybe needing and wanting are the same though. Maybe that someone is one person only. Im tired. Maybe my mind can destroy me. Maybe this, the wondering, is the part you hate the most.
I am moving house, which is a change that I need. A garden will be good, a new hobby. I have a good 20 lbs to lose, and a resting heart rate that could be fitter. My hair will continue to grow, I need to do a bootfair in the spring. I may get away on a holiday, although I am not seeing the appeal of this at the moment. I will pick up my guitar no doubt, and learn to sing. I will feel more alive, in my numb state. Where is the balance? I think of you repeatedly, like watching a bird bath in winter. I am reminded of a song called Empty.
Family stuff, naturally, carries on. It looks likely that my brother will be going to India for at least a few months, as part of a work offer. Hell be out training in the call centres basically. It seems quite a sweet set up, a free two bed roomed flat, a company car and two flights home every year. The money isnt great but life out there will be cheaper which will make it easier for him to save. I guess hes looking to go in June, which makes me landlord of his flat here. Well rent it out and hopefully get a bit of income in from it. My parents are also off to Europe next month in a motor home, a few too many health scares and theyve realised its now or never. The mere thought of them being the age of now or never terrifies me, but Im glad they are grabbing an opportunity nonetheless. The older I get, the more my parents marriage amazes me. Any marriage in fact. To choose one person, to decide for them to be the one person who you stick with throughout absolutely every issue, to have days where you cant stand each other and still go to bed together at night. To support every decision and fuck up they make- its incredible. My parents are not soul mates, they were not destined for each other. As a consequence there have been some really bad times, but yet they still pushed through it. And its not just that I no longer believe I will ever meet that person I will marry, but its the fact that I no longer believe in that fight. I dont believe, in honesty. Im too cautious of being hurt, too aware of what other people may be thinking or feeling. My second guessing pushes them away, and I get hurt because no one ever stays. Its a vicious cycle. I try too hard to be perfect, and the whole saga is probably just too much for people to stay.
And so of course, the love life. What is it even? What is it that makes my heart beat so much faster, that thickens my mind with some weighted gravy- flooding in past my ears and behind my eyes? That wretched sinking feeling of nausea, the flinching dragging pain in my chest. When does that feeling leave us? It has been so long, years, since I havent felt that drunken state,. Years since I just felt myself and fine. A numb fine- waiting until the next time. And now I wait for that feeling to leave, so that I can too progress with my life and change for the better, do all the things that you are doing too. There are many types of love- how often do the two collide within one relationship? How often do you find two people who feel the same intensity as the other? How often is it not? I dont know. My knowledge of relationships is small and nave. I feel lonely this is true. I havent yet found that glimpse of excitement that the single life can provide. I can pretend convincingly of course, and there must be advantages to it. It is not so much needing someone, as wanting. I want to share my life with someone. Maybe needing and wanting are the same though. Maybe that someone is one person only. Im tired. Maybe my mind can destroy me. Maybe this, the wondering, is the part you hate the most.
I am moving house, which is a change that I need. A garden will be good, a new hobby. I have a good 20 lbs to lose, and a resting heart rate that could be fitter. My hair will continue to grow, I need to do a bootfair in the spring. I may get away on a holiday, although I am not seeing the appeal of this at the moment. I will pick up my guitar no doubt, and learn to sing. I will feel more alive, in my numb state. Where is the balance? I think of you repeatedly, like watching a bird bath in winter. I am reminded of a song called Empty.