melancholia

there was a showing up the road
in our city's bohemian theatre
a film night featuring Amelie
to cheer us from this blue monday

and afterwards a local charity
had set up these random acts of kindness
so we could mingle amongst the
games and manoevre through christian banter.

but first, rewind to 6.20 pm and i've
been moving my bedroom for over an hour
frantically really, didnt want to miss the film,
some of my work mates were going

and besides it good for the wards of depression
to get out and do new things
and of any time, now is the time
to be preventing such miserable feelings

my housemate returns grumpy
with this i cannot be bothered
she doesnt want in, she wants the sofa and gin,
i was damned if i was syvia plathing.

so i went by myself, i knew people at least
and amelie's a favourite film.
but they were already inside when i got there
i know because i saw their seats

i even saw them recognise me
i saw the pause as they decided what to do
and i saw them retreat so quickly
back to the positions they knew

though this in itself didn't annoy me
i'm accustomed to solo cinema trekking
in fact i rather enjoy it, wafting in and out of pretending
and frankly i know i'm a bit boring.

after the film a crowd of inspired,
led the way back to the foyer
love does conquer! we could all be her!
i'm going to collect a hundred new things!

(and of course we all wished that
no one else had seen the film
instead it was our own little treasure
never seeing another on their knees by a booth)

but one of the activities, to write on the wall
which was covered in inspiring ambitions.
i stood and looked. what could i write?
'never think you have nothing to say'?

that would at least be the most fitting,
i eavesdropped a trio of ladies-
fifty or so i'd imagine. one picked up a red,
and wrote on the wall:

'I'm the person I always wanted to be'

I smiled, rather ruefully (but not yet full)
for my answer had been prompted for me.
'to one day be able to write this' and an arrow,
would suffice for my speech i felt.

so i stood awkwardly, my red coat blocking
most from seeing the corner.
i waited for the lady to move off, and stared
at the throbbing blunt red marker.

write it i thought, but i didn't move.
my heart started beating with some wild disorder.
keep calm, and breathe. no one is watching,
you're allowed to say what you feel.

i watched the pen a bit longer, feined reading
the other dozen scrawled lines.
i swallowed, breathed in and stood forward,
BANG 'sorry' an elder man frowned as he pushed forward.

i retreated like some form of car wash
spinning backwards through the crowd behind me.
i had no place in this room of giggles
spontaneous friendships and thoughts. solo thoughts.

the first to leave, in my glaring red coat.
wracked with guilt i made kind gestures all the way home.
at a roundabout i let a woman go first
but she paused, got angry and beeped.

i let a man cross the road at the crossing
but he didn't acknowledge my gesture
just kept on walking and i changed gear again slowly
moving behind a parked car to allow room

for some oncoming vehicles
but the man behind me got angry
there's plenty of room you stupid bitch
i could see him cursing behind me

i knew that of course, i just offered some road luxury.
i was hungry by the time i had left, no dinner and
too much bedroom activity. a hollow laugh.
i drove to an empty sainsburys

and raced up as the man closed the gates.
i just want one thing i begged him
he paused and asked me what it was
some bread i said pleadingly

but he stood and shook his greasy head.
i cant miss, its the rules. its just gone 10 pm.
i wondered why he had bothered asking
maybe there are allowances for pregnancy tests.

but his eyes had looked a little sorry,
or hollowed through his wretched job,
so i carried on my journey
looking forward to a tin of something at home.

but of course, two cars were parked in three spaces
and it took fifteen minutes to squeeze mine in.
may i add with both wingmirrors folded,
i was impressed with myself at least.

only i couldnt then get out of my vehicle
so i had to bend myself out the passenger side
just so i could reach the front door in time
to meet the other two drivers returning

but i had soup, and burnt my tongue,
broke the tin opener and dropped tomato on my clothes.
sat and mused what i was going to type here
started to type the whole story instead

only it hasn't really gone anywhere
and none of the lines are working
so perhaps its just time for bed now.
in my living room, whilst i wait for the morning

call. at 6 am.