ach.
what exactly, IS, the matter?
everything is going well.
most things are going well.
which is more than a lot of people.
new job- tick. new town- tick. new chance of life- tick! all good!
i have made contact with some friends, i have lost some weight, (albeit not much, but enough to remember why i don't eat junk every day, and the benefits of what happens when i don't) i have gained some interests in myself (which is a rareity) and if i can just stick to this side of average, i might do alright.
so why do i still feel so incredibly lonely?
***********************
maybe i just talk too much, think too much, have too much....emotion.
i quite like this though, i think that's the problem.
at the core of things, i have absolutely no desire whatsoever to change who i am. externally, definately. but inside, i'm quite content. my emotion keeps me passionate. my thoughts make me perceptive. i'm a good friend. hell, i'm a good person (as they go).
the bugger is, i want someone else to see this too. i don't mean ties and binds and forever and promises- because i don't know either. i really don't. i say all this marriage and kids shit-but who at 22 really knows if they want to run the risk of divorce and a permanently stretched vagina? i don't need all that grief now.
but. there is also a simplicity in standing up for someone, declaring that you are theirs and they are yours. a little team. maybe because i don't like being hit on, i don't like attention and i don't particularly like meeting new people- but i just wish to be able to go out, knowing that i'm crawling next to my partner's side that night. to find that balance (who has that fucking balance??) between independence and a healthy relationship with their partner. to go out with their friends, for them to go out with yours, to have joint friends, to not need fucking friends, and more crucially- to not get a raging green eye if you aren't invited.
maybe these are the things that i want, and maybe i'm selfish for wanting too much. maybe most people would be content and so i should be too. and maybe i will never get what i want, thats the important bit. what if it never gets better than this? to be fair, i would be incredibly lucky if it did. so why i can't i just shut this fucking yearning up? am i really that spoilt?
*groan*
cycles.
i am a lucky lucky person, and i have some incredible things and people in my life.
look me in the eye liz, and tell me that you deserve more.
what exactly, IS, the matter?
everything is going well.
most things are going well.
which is more than a lot of people.
new job- tick. new town- tick. new chance of life- tick! all good!
i have made contact with some friends, i have lost some weight, (albeit not much, but enough to remember why i don't eat junk every day, and the benefits of what happens when i don't) i have gained some interests in myself (which is a rareity) and if i can just stick to this side of average, i might do alright.
so why do i still feel so incredibly lonely?
***********************
maybe i just talk too much, think too much, have too much....emotion.
i quite like this though, i think that's the problem.
at the core of things, i have absolutely no desire whatsoever to change who i am. externally, definately. but inside, i'm quite content. my emotion keeps me passionate. my thoughts make me perceptive. i'm a good friend. hell, i'm a good person (as they go).
the bugger is, i want someone else to see this too. i don't mean ties and binds and forever and promises- because i don't know either. i really don't. i say all this marriage and kids shit-but who at 22 really knows if they want to run the risk of divorce and a permanently stretched vagina? i don't need all that grief now.
but. there is also a simplicity in standing up for someone, declaring that you are theirs and they are yours. a little team. maybe because i don't like being hit on, i don't like attention and i don't particularly like meeting new people- but i just wish to be able to go out, knowing that i'm crawling next to my partner's side that night. to find that balance (who has that fucking balance??) between independence and a healthy relationship with their partner. to go out with their friends, for them to go out with yours, to have joint friends, to not need fucking friends, and more crucially- to not get a raging green eye if you aren't invited.
maybe these are the things that i want, and maybe i'm selfish for wanting too much. maybe most people would be content and so i should be too. and maybe i will never get what i want, thats the important bit. what if it never gets better than this? to be fair, i would be incredibly lucky if it did. so why i can't i just shut this fucking yearning up? am i really that spoilt?
*groan*
cycles.
i am a lucky lucky person, and i have some incredible things and people in my life.
look me in the eye liz, and tell me that you deserve more.