i've been taking a lot of stock on things lately.
i've recently been through a really bad patch with someone who is so incredibly important to me, and during that time i came to realise every reason i missed them, every reason why i would stand by them despite the difficulties we went through and how lucky i was to have found them in the first place. but it's still tricky. just because someone is great for you, doesnt mean you are great for them. i worry about this a lot, and i worry that i will never consider myself good enough for them. which is of course a bugger, because it means you will generally trip yourself up, and end up not being good enough anyway. and anyway, it sounds whiny and as if someone at the grand age of 22 still hasn't got a grip on their own self which is a truth i try to hide. god's sake woman.
also why i reminded myself of the Blake poem in my earlier post, and i hope i can try to keep this in mind. obviously i want, as probably anyone does, security and confirmation and promises and committment. but i want that in every part of my life; i want control essentially. and my insane desire for that puts a lot of pressure on us, for which i'm sorry. (i'm sorry)
i've barely written 12 lines and i'm already pissing myself off. no wonder i can't write a book. i find my entire mind too fucking indulgent. but perhaps you need an explaination. perhaps you're tired. i'm tired. will i ever learn to let go?
this was going to be a big blog, but i don't know if i can be bothered now. i have a job interview for a job which i think i would really like. a bit more money, good prospects, a different town, a change. i hope i can get through it successfully. i have a very detailed image of a life i think i will be happy with, except that nothing in my life has ever turned out exactly as i wanted it to. i need to stop dreaming and just taking each day as it is. i sound fucking 17 again. be the runner/ rower/ dancer/ singer./ guitarist/ drummer. jesus. for someone so worried about death, you sure waste your life a lot.
oh and by the by, whilst you're talking to yourself in third person like a teenager, you're not that damn perfect you know, and most of the time i don't even like you. so stop expecting people to be perfect, and not screw up, and perhaps even look at the reason you're single because it may not be the only factor but i'm sure your irritating habits have something to do with it.
20.39...
what if.
what if it never ended? what if you were the first to die, and you would never have to lose anyone? what if despite everything you married and had four kids and two dogs? what if you changed your mind and you both lived in a warehouse in the middle of new york, with a holiday home in italy and lived until 119? what if you sat down every night with your guitar and in a year's time were randomly picked up by a talent scout whilst you were randomly humming in hmv- only to sell sixty million debut albums six months later?
what if you start having some faith, and hoping for the best, for a change?
i've recently been through a really bad patch with someone who is so incredibly important to me, and during that time i came to realise every reason i missed them, every reason why i would stand by them despite the difficulties we went through and how lucky i was to have found them in the first place. but it's still tricky. just because someone is great for you, doesnt mean you are great for them. i worry about this a lot, and i worry that i will never consider myself good enough for them. which is of course a bugger, because it means you will generally trip yourself up, and end up not being good enough anyway. and anyway, it sounds whiny and as if someone at the grand age of 22 still hasn't got a grip on their own self which is a truth i try to hide. god's sake woman.
also why i reminded myself of the Blake poem in my earlier post, and i hope i can try to keep this in mind. obviously i want, as probably anyone does, security and confirmation and promises and committment. but i want that in every part of my life; i want control essentially. and my insane desire for that puts a lot of pressure on us, for which i'm sorry. (i'm sorry)
i've barely written 12 lines and i'm already pissing myself off. no wonder i can't write a book. i find my entire mind too fucking indulgent. but perhaps you need an explaination. perhaps you're tired. i'm tired. will i ever learn to let go?
this was going to be a big blog, but i don't know if i can be bothered now. i have a job interview for a job which i think i would really like. a bit more money, good prospects, a different town, a change. i hope i can get through it successfully. i have a very detailed image of a life i think i will be happy with, except that nothing in my life has ever turned out exactly as i wanted it to. i need to stop dreaming and just taking each day as it is. i sound fucking 17 again. be the runner/ rower/ dancer/ singer./ guitarist/ drummer. jesus. for someone so worried about death, you sure waste your life a lot.
oh and by the by, whilst you're talking to yourself in third person like a teenager, you're not that damn perfect you know, and most of the time i don't even like you. so stop expecting people to be perfect, and not screw up, and perhaps even look at the reason you're single because it may not be the only factor but i'm sure your irritating habits have something to do with it.
20.39...
what if.
what if it never ended? what if you were the first to die, and you would never have to lose anyone? what if despite everything you married and had four kids and two dogs? what if you changed your mind and you both lived in a warehouse in the middle of new york, with a holiday home in italy and lived until 119? what if you sat down every night with your guitar and in a year's time were randomly picked up by a talent scout whilst you were randomly humming in hmv- only to sell sixty million debut albums six months later?
what if you start having some faith, and hoping for the best, for a change?