i missed my doctors appointment the other day- something about living with a fuggy head which makes you forget everything. like putting money away (and then it gets stolen), like a doctors appointment (so the receptionist gives a lecture on how many millions are wasted each year waiting for people), like turning the heating on, or off, like turning the oven on, or off, like turning my alarm on, or turning the bath taps off.
i am existing though, in some format, and i have thrown all my efforts into the finances at work so that i dont screw up the financial year. i've actually not got a clue what i'm doing, and training seems a bit beyond my manager/ department/ Council so i'm putting my head down and trying to figure it out myself.
anywho, i rearranged the appointment for today. felt sick at the thought of it. what was i even going for? yes i feel low. i've felt low since i was 15. how is it the older and wiser i become, the less i can cope with things? bleurgh.
but she was nice, i guess. in her doctory way. some of my old uni friends are medics, and put it this way, i dont know any depressive ones. functional people, doing proactive, positive things. coping with life, being strong, making changes, making a difference. having a fucking purpose. so she looked mildly bemused (paranoia) and asked what was wrong.
where do i live? with my parents?
oh your brother! that's nice.. he's pretty messy i bet!
do i live in town? do i go out a lot?
well. *frown* where do i work.
do i have friends?
yes, a lot of graduates find this. do i have any hobbies?
the gym is an excellent hobby. why do i not feel like going anymore?
am i sleeping?
am i eating?
do i have a partner?
can i fill out this questionnaire?
*sigh*
hmm. yes... well, i have a score of 20. out of 27 that puts me in the box of moderate depression. but without any logical reason...what was it i came for today? what did i expect? oh, counselling. yes, well the trouble is the waiting lists are very long for our surgery. and we offer them to the people who really need it. we can't categorise me in that bracket yet (because i havent been brave enough to us about the self harm, eating disorders, or drinking issue. i've only managed to croak out that i have a headache. we're a medical practice, not mind readers, so perhaps i should have been a bit less pathetic if i expected to get anywhere) But, i could get private counselling if i like. here are some numbers for me. it might help me understand why i am the way i am. did i want pills? did i come for pills? its ok. why would i know? this is very common i know. lots of people feel like me. (lots of people feel empty and worthless. what a wonderful world. it makes you want to stop fretting and go dance in the rain doesn't it.) so, yes. look at the time. we think i should stop worrying.
(5 years of medical school is it?)
we think i should start doing some exercise. look on the positive side, there's nothing wrong with me i know. i'm fine, i'm very lucky and i just need to see that. i need to take a step back. i need to look at the bigger picture. if i like i can go back in a few weeks for a check up. but everything will be fine. our words of fine will cure everything. i will stop wanting to burn and slash my flesh. i will want to stop throwing up the food i love or denying myself food for no reason. i will want to bounce out of bed and look after myself and go live the life i keep wasting. because we say you're fine.
i am existing though, in some format, and i have thrown all my efforts into the finances at work so that i dont screw up the financial year. i've actually not got a clue what i'm doing, and training seems a bit beyond my manager/ department/ Council so i'm putting my head down and trying to figure it out myself.
anywho, i rearranged the appointment for today. felt sick at the thought of it. what was i even going for? yes i feel low. i've felt low since i was 15. how is it the older and wiser i become, the less i can cope with things? bleurgh.
but she was nice, i guess. in her doctory way. some of my old uni friends are medics, and put it this way, i dont know any depressive ones. functional people, doing proactive, positive things. coping with life, being strong, making changes, making a difference. having a fucking purpose. so she looked mildly bemused (paranoia) and asked what was wrong.
where do i live? with my parents?
oh your brother! that's nice.. he's pretty messy i bet!
do i live in town? do i go out a lot?
well. *frown* where do i work.
do i have friends?
yes, a lot of graduates find this. do i have any hobbies?
the gym is an excellent hobby. why do i not feel like going anymore?
am i sleeping?
am i eating?
do i have a partner?
can i fill out this questionnaire?
*sigh*
hmm. yes... well, i have a score of 20. out of 27 that puts me in the box of moderate depression. but without any logical reason...what was it i came for today? what did i expect? oh, counselling. yes, well the trouble is the waiting lists are very long for our surgery. and we offer them to the people who really need it. we can't categorise me in that bracket yet (because i havent been brave enough to us about the self harm, eating disorders, or drinking issue. i've only managed to croak out that i have a headache. we're a medical practice, not mind readers, so perhaps i should have been a bit less pathetic if i expected to get anywhere) But, i could get private counselling if i like. here are some numbers for me. it might help me understand why i am the way i am. did i want pills? did i come for pills? its ok. why would i know? this is very common i know. lots of people feel like me. (lots of people feel empty and worthless. what a wonderful world. it makes you want to stop fretting and go dance in the rain doesn't it.) so, yes. look at the time. we think i should stop worrying.
(5 years of medical school is it?)we think i should start doing some exercise. look on the positive side, there's nothing wrong with me i know. i'm fine, i'm very lucky and i just need to see that. i need to take a step back. i need to look at the bigger picture. if i like i can go back in a few weeks for a check up. but everything will be fine. our words of fine will cure everything. i will stop wanting to burn and slash my flesh. i will want to stop throwing up the food i love or denying myself food for no reason. i will want to bounce out of bed and look after myself and go live the life i keep wasting. because we say you're fine.