mei

happier.. things get better towards the weekends.. i have twentyfive sources in my bibliography, which is more than i thought i'd have, but not enough. oh well - my writing's the only thing that matters, i guess.

i went to talk to the career services people about becoming an advertising person today.. it's never encouraging to hear the career lady say "well, i don't want to say that it's impossible, but..." i guess i'll do some more research. and start writing a book.. maybe take some creative writing classes. at this point writing really is probably the thing i do best. it's funny.. sg really helped me with that. writing in a journal doesn't feel like it's ever going to have an audience, so it deadends. when i'm writing for someone, it's far easier. i'll still have to get a job, but if i can do something i enjoy too maybe it won't be so bad.. it makes me nervous that there are so many aspiring writers in the world.. what do i have to say that they don't? do people really want to look out of my eyes? why? etcetcetc..

i kind of wish i was a smoker sometimes.. or that there was something similar to smoking that meant i could hold something and flick it and drag on it.. i'm chewing on the collar of my shirt now; oral fixation, i guess. i spent the other evening when i was nervous sucking on my pinkyfinger..

everywhere is the sound of dripping.. pervasively, off of trees and gutters and mailboxes. it fills my head, like a far more pleasant version of the electronic hum from the house. the dewy rain is tolerable, blanketing the streets, entreating the atmosphere to hush and whisper. i like angry decisive rain better, though.. as if the clouds quit whining and began to scream streams from the sky. rain that trickles through my hair to my scalp, tracing cold wet lines before running down my collar. rain that trickles down the bridge of my nose and drips off the end. rain that makes me want to take off my clothes and run around in a muddy field, cartwheeling and yelling. bacchanalian rain.

but it's not like that now.. birds twitter and glearm, and puddles form lazily.

maybe a nap. and then some thai food if i decide i can afford it (it's cheap if you split it between two people!) we only have one functional power adapter left between four laptops (the new apple power adapters SUCK!!!) and my housemate took it to school, so i have to leave.. ohwellgoodbye..