i've been lectured for multiple hours three times in the last two days. all about finances and the future. why? i worry about this shit enough on my own. i don't need anyone to remind me time and again about it.
stress is a big stone in my chest. i can't quite breathe right. if i look in the mirror, i can see my heart beating. too fast. i've been shivering even though it's not that cold. something's going to have to give very very soon, or i'm just going to fly off the handle. one month isn't that long. but it's so many hours...
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i have a dance to perform, and i don't like it. it's supposed to be funny.. i hate performing in anything that's supposed to be funny. it makes me hideously nervous, and i feel like an idiot. it scares me to get in front of people and do something serious and (hopefully) beautiful; it makes me terrified and angry to do something funny (because i don't volunteer to do these things - i end up in a group of people that decide it's a good idea).
there's nothing beautiful in me today. i'm all seething anger and nervousness and guilt. i just want to sleep forever. i don't want to deal with people. i don't want to deal with my thesis. i don't want to think about the fact that we're too poor to buy food. i don't want to think about anything.
fuck the structures of my brain that make me feel this way.
stress is a big stone in my chest. i can't quite breathe right. if i look in the mirror, i can see my heart beating. too fast. i've been shivering even though it's not that cold. something's going to have to give very very soon, or i'm just going to fly off the handle. one month isn't that long. but it's so many hours...
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i have a dance to perform, and i don't like it. it's supposed to be funny.. i hate performing in anything that's supposed to be funny. it makes me hideously nervous, and i feel like an idiot. it scares me to get in front of people and do something serious and (hopefully) beautiful; it makes me terrified and angry to do something funny (because i don't volunteer to do these things - i end up in a group of people that decide it's a good idea).
there's nothing beautiful in me today. i'm all seething anger and nervousness and guilt. i just want to sleep forever. i don't want to deal with people. i don't want to deal with my thesis. i don't want to think about the fact that we're too poor to buy food. i don't want to think about anything.
fuck the structures of my brain that make me feel this way.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Who's lecturing you? I hope it's not the gang that lured you into funny dancing. Whoever it is, they don't sound like they have your best interests in mind -- or, if they do, they're not paying attention to you, to your reactions. Which amounts to the same thing.
I don't know you well, but my guess is that once you separate yourself from people who don't care about you and stop doing ridiculous things such as funny dances, you'll find your way clearer. Finances have a way of getting taken care of, as long as you stay mindful and not panicky about getting them taken care of. That's how it was for me, anyhow ... although I've never done funny dancing. Wait. All the dancing I do is funny.
I'm a big fan of your brain structures, even if they act up now and then.
And: I am sending you cheer beams. (That sounds like a new kind of candy ... )
"Anger, nervousness and guilt"
can be beautiful...uh...can't it?
Now the food part,
that's a drag.