mei

i'm just not cut out to do anything stressful. shaky arms. blurred vision. echoes of my heartbeats vibrate through my body, like opening a door without any grease on the hinges that doesn't squeak quite yet. just breathe deeply and it will go away - but it doesn't. stupid housing stuff. this is all from calling my possible new landlord to ask about the status of my application. how did i get to be such a wuss?

i'm tired of trying to play adult. i'm too poor for it. i'm not smart with my money, with my emotions, with my life. if i walk around an empty house, my footsteps deafen me. so why am i going to try to live alone? maybe i live for the distraction of skin against skin. what would be wrong with that?

some sort of brain-cleansing activity should occur. stick a hose in my ear and watch the dirt on the concrete structures disappear. i need to quit living like i'm in transition. settle down, right here. quit waiting for the next big thing - it's not coming today, so i should focus on what IS coming. which is work and sleep and maybe some time-wasting in between.