mei

driving in the rain, today. pickup truck full of books and bookshelves, blankets and a table. so worried as i drove, that i wouldn't beat the rain - i'd forgotten to grab the tarp as i left. the first drops hit the windshield - slaps to my face punishing my forgetfulness. all i can think of are the soon to be crinkled, waterlogged pages of my copy of ulysses, which for some reason sits in the top of a box without a lid. the little circular watermarks that will mar the top of the table that i stained myself this summer - one of the few things that i've made recently with my own two hands. my speed increases. i imagine myself driving between the raindrops, racing the clouds. "winds of 75mph" would be awfully fast, so i outran the clouds. unloaded everything, books in the garage so they don't sit in the damp air, everything else in my parents' barn. they don't actually have any animals to live in the barn, it's more the idea of owning "property," i think. on the way back, i drive in the slow lane and watch cars pass me on the left. people focused on the road look perpetually annoyed, unless they're singing to the radio or talking to someone else. and then i managed to catch the eye of some woman. she had dark hair and glasses, and pretty eyes. and she smiled at me - a big happy grin. the likes of which one only sees in greetings in the country. like walking to the neighbor's house to borrow a cup of sugar - the smile in the eyes of the neighbor as he says not to worry about the sugar - just bring over some of the cookies. she must have been a mile ahead of me before i realized that i was still smiling. i passed a boat, too. there's something exceptionally absurd about watching a boat travel on wheels while water falls from the sky. the world turns upside down and the next thing you'll see is roads made of diamond full of raccoons on wheels, on their way to appointments in shiny, cold office buildings.

moving, i'm throwing out so many things. only saving the best of my papers and the articles i photocopied. the trip to the dump tomorrow will claim so many hours of my work, hours spent at my cheap desk forgetting to proofread. throwing away the cards that mark holidays and birthdays, even the ones that were signed "grandma and grandpa" before grandpa died. now they're just signed "grandma." that one word looks so lonely on the page, so out of place. as though ellipses should follow to take the place of my grandfather. instead, there's just blank space. old love notes, folded in the best of high-school style and decorated with random pen-and-ink drawings. stars and suns, little stick people playing basketball. always signed "i love you forever." i can almost allow myself to be transported to the time when i believed those words. now it just hurts.

getting used to the job. it's getting nicer. i think i'll be fine here for the next year or so - i'll just have to make sure that it doesn't monopolize all of my time. i must remember to apply to grad/law school. i must not let deadlines pass without a fight. soon i'll have health insurance, which will be nice. i plan on having some sort of hypochondriac fit - i'll see a general practicioner, a dentist, an optometrist, an allergist, and maybe someone else if i can think of who to go see. all cheap cheap cheap. i didn't appreciate insurance when i had it.

thank you to everyone for the comments on my set.. i'm really happy with how it turned out.. but i'm also looking foward to taking another one, so you can see me with different hair and a different look. i change too much for you to all think that i always look blonde.

off to respond to all of the comments i can.. yay!

oh, and i borrowed money from my parents. so i'm not so poor.. which is a good feeling. i think i might get a haircut, even. i really desperately need it..