mei

i've been having so much difficulty thinking of anything to say lately.. i think i'm dropping back into a minor depression. which is WAY better than the angry bitchy constantly-like-pms unhappiness that came from my job - just down. i must find some money to buy jogging shoes - the ones i have now i've had since second grade, so it hurts to run. i think exercising would help me. always does.

i'm washing my sheets right now, and then i'm going to take a shower. clean girl, clean sheets. soft and happy.

my sister and brother came over last night to visit. my sister has been here a couple of times, but not my brother. he's 18, and doesn't drink or anything.. it was strange; we were all having beer or wine, and here he was all sober and amused and strange. it was kind of cute, but kind of uncomfortable.

our washer says "moon moon, moon moon" as it swishes around. and the dryer just hums. the washer is a little crooked, so when it goes into the "spin" cycle everything in the house shakes. it sounds like there's an earthquake. awhile ago, we wanted to buy one of the special super-nice energy saving washers/dryer sets. those just lightly sing. but these have a far larger capacity.

with nobody else in the house, everything looks so still. the fan, seemingly arrested as it swayed. an empty bottle and an empty can, facing me. the bottle stands behind and to the side of the can, like they're posing for a family portrait. i made bundles of spices the other day to hang-dry.. they look like angels - one bunch pointing down, and one to each side - a skirt and two wings. they hang above the kitchen, watching. they look strangely primitive, like something to ward off evil. i'm just trying to ward off blandness, though.

we need to move out of this house. our housemate will probably leave soon, and then we'll be stuck. it's too bad that we won't be able to afford to stay in town - we'll probably have to stay with parents. keep applying for jobs, sleep, etc. growl... i want to have my own little apartment with my sweetie again. preferably, actually, a cottage again - so we can make noise and not have other people bother us with their noise. a small enough space that it's non-threatening to clean. but big enough that i have an itty-bitty office space of my own, to sit in and decorate and keep all by myself. i don't have any of my own space right now, and it kind of sucks.

there are mosquitos in here. and flies. we need fly paper. buggies are no fun to have in the house. i'm so distractable.. and whenever i kill one it makes me feel guilty. not mosquitos so much, but the flies don't do anything but buzz, and if you squash them they go crunch. there's a sci-fi story about a little kid, very into eastern religions. raised in the mountains of asia, because his parents were explorers who died on a hike. his aunt decides she wants him after awhile, and brings him into the deep south. she kills lots of flies and eats meat. he talks to her about reincarnation, and lets the flies go when they're stuck to the flypaper. she whips him and forces him to squash the flies. a couple of days later, he locks himself in his room and prays nonstop. when he comes out, there is a strange looking fly stuck to the flypaper - has the same color eyes as his aunt. and his aunt is gone. i always think of that when i'm killing flies and i wonder what kind of terrible karma i'm creating. then i realize that i'm really annoyed and skoosh them anyway.

i just thought i saw someone on our front porch over my shoulder. i jumped. shuddered. i hate being scared like that.

*quack quack* says the duck.

that's duck for "goodnight.."