mei

i heard some very, very bad news today. the brother of a good friend committed a heinous crime. nobody is dead, but nobody involved is doing terribly well. i don't know what to think. i didn't know anyone involved very well, but i feel terrible for my friend. his brother is in prison, and will be there for a long time. he's very closed off right now - not surprising at all.

it was strange - i hear about things like this, and they make me very very sad, but they don't affect me as badly as some. i don't tend to cry about them. today, though, it turned my stomach. i couldn't eat all day.

the lunch with the ex-boy went ok, except that i couldn't hardly eat anything. he apologized for everything. i didn't forgive him completely, but i forgave him some. that was the best i could do. it was strange to see him again. i gave him a hug, and he smells exactly the same. exactly. it's a clean, dry smell, kind of like unscented fabric softener. it made my head spin for a second. he looks exactly the same. one interesting thing i've noticed - when people are nervous they cut the last letter off of words. "so i was thinkin' that if we were goin' out to eat we'd be takin' the train." kind of exaggeratedly casual. but also clearly labored.

i went to an open interview for a job today. nearly everyone there was either tragically hip, or trying to be. lots of slender, bored looking people, who seemed to say, "yes, i do a lot of cocaine in the evenings, but you're not important enough for my time." it was fun. i wish i would have had my notebook. i would have liked to take notes. i need to start carrying it when i go out, except that i'm nervous about people seeing me stare at them.

i burned the inside of my mouth on french fries today. ouch.

i don't think i could be a downtown person. or at least, it would change my point of view. i can't see any trees or any sky right now. no grass, nothing but streetlights and fire escapes, awnings and sidewalks. it makes it seem hotter, when the world is cold and emotionless.

too much to think about today. crimes, an ex, an interview, and now the city. it all makes me sleepy.

we're going to run out of money soon. again. but this time, we have no fallback. i wonder what we'll do...