mei

sleepy mei in bed. my bed has pink flannel sheets, because they were on triple clearance when i got my bed. it's a futon on a pine ikea frame, with neckties tied to the corners of the bedposts. it's hot, so i'm sleeping upside down again, with my face towards the open window. there are two blue blankets over my window, to keep it dark and cool in the mornings.

i spent all day today hungover. no more hard drinking for mei. if nothing else, because i have such poor impulse control. be it sex, drugs, fireworks, whatever - if i'm intoxicated already, all i want is more and i have a lot of difficulty controlling myself.

i have bite marks on my arm. i dared my friend to bite me, hard. i forget that when she's drunk she doesn't know her own strength. there are two swollen hemicircles on my arm now. it's strange what being off of the meds does for the pain tolerance. it becomes a game, how much can i stand? like grabbing the steering wheel as soon as i get into the car when it's sitting in direct sunlight, and seeing how long it takes before i think that i'm going to burn. if my hands can absorb enough heat that it cools off before i have to press them to my face, radiant with warmth.

i'm looking forward to moving out of this house, in a lot of respects. i want someplace smaller, cozier. i love rooms with low ceilings, where you have to crouch to walk in them. they make me feel safe. i love to be held in that same way, nestling my head into someone's collarbone, as he puts one arm around my shoulders and the other around my head, shielding me from everything.

sometimes i feel as if i glow. fire from behind my eyes, heat in my heartbeat. it's a feeling to cherish.