i wish i had a real live totoro to cuddle with.
i wish i didn't have to always ask "what if."
i wish i had enough money to quit worrying.
i wish i knew what i want to do with my life.
i wish that i could just be satisfied.
i wish i had a cleaning-person, or that i liked cleaning.
i wish i didn't bitch about everything..
every once in awhile, i hear about someone who gets beaten up by someone they love. suddenly every petty pathetic thing about my life re-zeroes, and smacks me right between the eyes. i've never been in a physical fight. i don't even really get into verbal fights with people. i discuss. sometimes we yell. but i'm never afraid. sometimes, it only takes seeing something out of the ordinary to make you realize how lucky you are. all of the things to which you can say "it never happened to me." i haven't been raped. i haven't been beaten. i haven't been denied education. i haven't been completely ostracized. i haven't had a house burn down. i haven't had a loved one unexpectedly die. and the "i have" part too... things i've gotten inhumanly lucky with. i have a group of friends who are deeply caring and nice. my parents are still together and still love each other. my family is reasonably well-off. i'm nice-looking. i'm smart. i'm articulate. most of these things just happened to me - little effort on my part. lucky. oh, so lucky. it makes me shaky sometimes. there are not so many times that i believe in god. thinking about how insanely lucky i am is one of them. how lucky are you?
here's my story of the other time i believed in god. i was in the backseat of a civic, road-buzzed and sleepy. i was watching the trees on the side of the road go by. i was always used to seeing trees all the time, nothing strange. one one of the trees was a sign, i'm sure you've seen them. "believe in the lord jesus christ and you shall be saved." big blue letters, i think. and i thought, "that makes sense." and for two minutes, still watching the trees, i sat there in peace, because i believed in jesus christ. i didn't absorb it, didn't think. my slightly addled mind just nodded. down the road, i realized, "i'm not a christian. what was i thinking?" and ceased to believe. but i had an epiphany, for a moment. i believed.
i can also believe in cathedrals. i don't believe myself, but i can feel how much others must have to build something so gorgeous and majestic. i went to cathedrals in france, and i could feel how much these people must have cared, what their fervor must have been, to create that stained glass and those ceilings. huge trees, the ocean, they inspire some kind of decentered awe and respect. but a cathedral makes me empathetic.
i need to buy a new lipstick, i think. something glossy. and dark.
i wish i didn't have to always ask "what if."
i wish i had enough money to quit worrying.
i wish i knew what i want to do with my life.
i wish that i could just be satisfied.
i wish i had a cleaning-person, or that i liked cleaning.
i wish i didn't bitch about everything..
every once in awhile, i hear about someone who gets beaten up by someone they love. suddenly every petty pathetic thing about my life re-zeroes, and smacks me right between the eyes. i've never been in a physical fight. i don't even really get into verbal fights with people. i discuss. sometimes we yell. but i'm never afraid. sometimes, it only takes seeing something out of the ordinary to make you realize how lucky you are. all of the things to which you can say "it never happened to me." i haven't been raped. i haven't been beaten. i haven't been denied education. i haven't been completely ostracized. i haven't had a house burn down. i haven't had a loved one unexpectedly die. and the "i have" part too... things i've gotten inhumanly lucky with. i have a group of friends who are deeply caring and nice. my parents are still together and still love each other. my family is reasonably well-off. i'm nice-looking. i'm smart. i'm articulate. most of these things just happened to me - little effort on my part. lucky. oh, so lucky. it makes me shaky sometimes. there are not so many times that i believe in god. thinking about how insanely lucky i am is one of them. how lucky are you?
here's my story of the other time i believed in god. i was in the backseat of a civic, road-buzzed and sleepy. i was watching the trees on the side of the road go by. i was always used to seeing trees all the time, nothing strange. one one of the trees was a sign, i'm sure you've seen them. "believe in the lord jesus christ and you shall be saved." big blue letters, i think. and i thought, "that makes sense." and for two minutes, still watching the trees, i sat there in peace, because i believed in jesus christ. i didn't absorb it, didn't think. my slightly addled mind just nodded. down the road, i realized, "i'm not a christian. what was i thinking?" and ceased to believe. but i had an epiphany, for a moment. i believed.
i can also believe in cathedrals. i don't believe myself, but i can feel how much others must have to build something so gorgeous and majestic. i went to cathedrals in france, and i could feel how much these people must have cared, what their fervor must have been, to create that stained glass and those ceilings. huge trees, the ocean, they inspire some kind of decentered awe and respect. but a cathedral makes me empathetic.
i need to buy a new lipstick, i think. something glossy. and dark.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
I was raised Catholic, though I gave it up just before confirmation (haha). But when I set foot inside St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City I struggled to keep from weeping. I was silent, fearing that the only sound I could make would be a sob. My knees were weak and my lips trembled. I wanted to drop prostrate upon the ground and declare my sins before the tourists of the world. But I kept my feet and held my tongue. Soon the feeling passed. That was the last time I believed in God.
I think you'd look just smashing in dark lipstick.
(Forgive the lengthiness of the comment. It's that darned English degree acting up.)
I am grateful for sound...