mei

guns:
the first time i shot a gun was camping with my father. it was a revolver. we made little targets which, in retrospect, were really sick. they had houses and suns and trees and clouds and birds and puppydogs and people on them, on construction paper. each had a point value. of course, we couldn't even hit the target, at 10 years old, but we tried. i went out shooting again yesterday. a friend has a P7, an AR15, and a shotgun. we went out to the woods and shot cantaloupes and cabbages off of an old rusted out minivan. it was great fun - the cantaloupes blew up pretty satisfactorily, and i was a decent shot both with the AR and the handgun - the shotgun was too heavy for me. this, of course, is excepting the visions. all the way up, and at various points during the trip, i kept having these horrid gory visions. that someone would accidentally get shot. that i'd get shot and die. that someone would be arranging targets, and get shot in the back. then, when i was holding the guns, i kept thinking how easy it would be to flip off the safety, and shoot myself. almost like a "what would happen" kind of issue. if i wasn't meant to die, would it just go "click?" certainly not. there was lots of blood behind my eyes that afternoon. shooting is kind of fun, but i don't know if it's worth it.

at sunset, after a rain, try looking at grass and leaves. as the sun begins to set, the light winks into the drops, creating whitehot six pointed star opals. as the sky colors, the opals turn to fire, interlocking panels of color with edges like river outlines on maps, naturally jagged. it shines, like the plants are wearing metallic nail polish.

i'm so hideously nervous about my interview tomorrow. i really want this job. really really really. *mei makes hopeful puppydog eyes at god* please?

i wish i could just be an sg for a living.

i must i must i must start exercising again. i refuse to shoot another set until i exercise for awhile. and i want to shoot another set. so i want to exercise! that and i want to do more yoga. yet another reason to want the job - i'd afford to do yoga again. and then i could be flexible.

i need to take a shower. hot water somehow clears the mind. sometimes i don't know how long i've been in the shower, because my mind blanks out. it happens (dangerously enough) when i'm driving, too - when i realize that i don't remember the last ten blocks, but from previous experience i know that they included a stoplight and several turns. fugues. time disappears into a mental vortex. *schllloooop*

*mei looks at you, to make sure you got all that*
*she steps onto her raft, wearing a tattered white dress and a sad, sad smile*
*she uses a long pole to push herself from the shore*
*you watch as she drifts away, not into the sunset, for the sun is gone. but she glows faintly in the moonlight*
*she disappears over the horizon. and you would swear that you saw her wink at you. or maybe that was a shooting star*
*you hear a darkly singsong voice from just over your shoulder*

make a wish...