right now i hate everything and everyone. there's nothing specific wrong; i'm just unhappy. stress takes some sort of terrible toll on me way out of proportion with the actual stressor. i thought this was the time full of possibility, when we could travel or try new things or run around in circles until we fall down. i don't know if it's the people i spend my time with, myself, or something in my situation, but i feel trapped again. i need to do something. maybe we should get in our pathetic rickety car and just drive south.. live on rice and beans. etc. or i could just buck up deal..
i talked to my dad today. he wants to know why i can't just do mainstream things, because that's what i'm going to do anyway, why can't i just embrace it? i refuse to believe that that's what i'm going to do anyway. i know that i have to make money to live in society, but there's absolutely no reason that i have to do it in some sort of happy conservative way. you can do anything you want, you can be anything you want. well, what if i want to fucking write or make art of some sort? then i starve. they should amend what they tell you when you're a kid. when you grow up, you can be anything you want. but if you want to eat, don't create anything beautiful for the world. be a financial analyst or a pharmaceutical company executive. this world makes me tired.
and i'd just join the peace corps, but my boy hasn't graduated college yet.. i won't go away for two years without him..
today i'm the explosion of a cluster bomb. tiny, smooth, mechanical, lying harmlessly by the wayside. picked up by a child, kicked by a lazy adolescent, stepped on or poked with a stick. the slightest wrong pressure, and i shatter, like a champagne flute tossed into artillery fire. my simple facade detonates, shrapnel clawing its way into my unlucky companion. perfectly engineered shards destroy everything in their path, amputating a man's foot, slicing a child in half. the sound of the explosion deafens, but this doesn't matter. i looked harmless, but leave a wake of pain. i am built for this; it is not a question of if, but when.
my housemates are moving out.. they're taking all their stuff, obviously, but that includes lots of the pans, and the toaster, and shelves, and the diningroom table. i should have moved out last summer, when i wanted to. their dog was eating everything, making me terribly nervous. and our household was social, so lots of extra money got spent on beer and food for guests. they asked me to stay, and even though i desperately wanted to leave, i stayed. there's no point in asking my housemates to stay.. they simply decided. the original plan was to have separate apartments in the same building, but we can't afford to move now. they want to get away from us because we're too messy. guess that's a valid complaint, but my complaint last summer was valid too. oh well. live and learn. i need to get the fuck over it.. these are my best friends, and i have difficulty getting over things once i decide to let them bother me. i need to just let it go..
this is mei:
i talked to my dad today. he wants to know why i can't just do mainstream things, because that's what i'm going to do anyway, why can't i just embrace it? i refuse to believe that that's what i'm going to do anyway. i know that i have to make money to live in society, but there's absolutely no reason that i have to do it in some sort of happy conservative way. you can do anything you want, you can be anything you want. well, what if i want to fucking write or make art of some sort? then i starve. they should amend what they tell you when you're a kid. when you grow up, you can be anything you want. but if you want to eat, don't create anything beautiful for the world. be a financial analyst or a pharmaceutical company executive. this world makes me tired.
and i'd just join the peace corps, but my boy hasn't graduated college yet.. i won't go away for two years without him..
today i'm the explosion of a cluster bomb. tiny, smooth, mechanical, lying harmlessly by the wayside. picked up by a child, kicked by a lazy adolescent, stepped on or poked with a stick. the slightest wrong pressure, and i shatter, like a champagne flute tossed into artillery fire. my simple facade detonates, shrapnel clawing its way into my unlucky companion. perfectly engineered shards destroy everything in their path, amputating a man's foot, slicing a child in half. the sound of the explosion deafens, but this doesn't matter. i looked harmless, but leave a wake of pain. i am built for this; it is not a question of if, but when.
my housemates are moving out.. they're taking all their stuff, obviously, but that includes lots of the pans, and the toaster, and shelves, and the diningroom table. i should have moved out last summer, when i wanted to. their dog was eating everything, making me terribly nervous. and our household was social, so lots of extra money got spent on beer and food for guests. they asked me to stay, and even though i desperately wanted to leave, i stayed. there's no point in asking my housemates to stay.. they simply decided. the original plan was to have separate apartments in the same building, but we can't afford to move now. they want to get away from us because we're too messy. guess that's a valid complaint, but my complaint last summer was valid too. oh well. live and learn. i need to get the fuck over it.. these are my best friends, and i have difficulty getting over things once i decide to let them bother me. i need to just let it go..
this is mei:
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
you are beautiful and intelligent and kind. the world is your oyster, my dear.
bubble baths make me feel better. barring that, a bottle of bubbles for blowing is always an upper.