megoth

I have to talk to my mother about helping me pay for college tomorrow and I feel so so so sick thinking about it. I had always thought that I'd be paying for my own education but.. then we got my FAFSA shit back and I only got approved for a 5000? dollar federal loan (there are still others I could take out though) and my expected contribution from working was about 3000 and then my scholarship money and so my Dad told me he was going to take out a 12,000 dollar loan and told me that I needed to talk to my mother about doing the same in order to cover the rest.

So.. I called her one night. We talked at length and at one point she asked me what I wanted for graduation. I didn't really name anything because quite honestly I have everything I need. I'm pretty spoiled when it comes to material things. I don't really need a new phone, or a bigger tv... none of that interests me. Anyways, after I'd told her I didn't know... I brought up that dad was taking out a 12,000 dollar loan and that left about 12,000 dollars after his contribution and my loan, work, and scholarship money... and I asked her if she'd be willing. She responded that it wasn't a problem, that she could just write a check.... I was a little taken aback that she would be so quick to respond and that she'd just "write a check" but I didn't question it.

Two weeks ago she called my dad to talk about college and I guess on the phone told him she'd never said that to me... That 12,000 was a lot of money and it was only my first year. He asked me if she was drunk when I talked to her which made me feel like shit since I'm perfectly aware of when my mother is drinking and when she isn't... and it just irked me that he'd bring up her alcoholism.

It sucks having divorced parents.. Like, it hardly ever bothers me. I don't care that they are divorced. Its the go-between part that gets me. Its the snide remarks they make about each other that put me in the middle of their marriage-gone-wrong. I'm not going to pick sides... I wish they wouldn't put me in the place where I feel like I have to.

Anyways, back to my point. Tonight my Dad told me that I had to talk to her this weekend (she'll be in town for my highschool graduation) about paying... I feel so BAD. I don't want them to pay for me... I don't want them to be in a financially distressing situation just for me to go to school. It should be my burden not theirs... But because my dad is putting himself into that situation, its not fair that my mom (who hasn't had to support two kids for the last twelve years, has a more stable job and a second income) wouldn't put in her share... Does that make ANY sense? I feel like such shit that I'm making my mom responsible for paying for college. I don't WANT to but... my Dad is so it IS that way. So now this weekend, this weekend thats supposed to be happy for me.. I'm moving onto a different part of my life. I am an adult... This weekend, instead, I have to guilt-trip my mom. I have to tell her that Dad is paying this much... and she had said she would pay the same.. I'll probably make her angry. I'll probably make her feel bad... and I don't fucking WANT to. Its not my Dad's responsibility though. It's my education...

I hate money. I hate that college is so fucking expensive that it HURTS people. I hate that I wanted to go to a college this fucking expensive. I hate that I didn't see this coming. I hate that I'm not entirely sure that my career will even pay well enough for it to be worth spending this much money on an education. I hate that I'm probably going into the army in order to pay for the following three years of school and that I might die and make all the money my parents are spending on me worth nothing... I hate that I have to worry about all of this. I hate... money.