I've had a lot of things on my mind of late and it has been weighing me down, some days more than others.

Pooky56 and I have joined a network marketing group which will help us achieve an ongoing residual income. There's a lot of work involved, but it is seeming to take shape rather well so far. We've been going to seminars and meetings and I feel really confident that we will benifit greatly as we build.

I'm also starting a new career soon in security, and security advising and sales. It is a much needed change in my work life style as the negativity small problems are slowly accumulating.

The endless intake of information and stress from my current place of work is unfortunately taking its toll on my sleep. It is now taking me hours just to get to sleep, and often I wake up feeling uncomfortale and wrestless, unable to return to that blessed land of slumber.

When I have managed to switch off find myself constantly dreaming, about another matter, or rather person that haunts the back of my mind. They are always there. This person is significant to my past and on that note will probably be imprinted there for the rest of my life. On occasion, the memories of that person do surface and I sometimes find myself getting extremely emotional. Though I have conciously and verbaly forgiven that person, my subconsious hasn't and refuses to let go. Sometimes I can forget, for a little while.

Another issue of a recent past has emerged aswell. I think that it was because it was around this time last year that a family members depression became life taintingly physical. They tried to overdose and ended up with the police looking for them. They were eventually found and with a trip to the hospital, a stomach pump and a week or so in the mental health unit, still fragile, but returned home. This happened a couple of months later with a slightly different story line. Lite notes: Overdose, cardiac arrest, confinement, ECT's. I love that person dearly but my patients has worn thin. I'm still very angry at that person (underneath) and I feel asthough I cannot turn away for a second for fear that they will do it again, and perhaps succeed.

Sometimes I have harsh thoughts on the subject which I wont share. It's so exhausting. I feel if I didn't have Jakub by my side I would have fallen long ago. I've been playing the parenting role for a few years of my life, since I was about 14. As I said before, I'm greatful that someone finally came to love me, pick me up and tend to my wounds. To be honest I thought that no one would come, to have someone of my own, to love, and cherish. I believe he is my soul mate.