megamisama

last night was APW FallOut...it went alright. it was the first time in months that Pamela Pabst wasnt apart of it though. and durning the Marcus Smart Vs. Merek match i had tears in my eyes...not being able to be up there, just killed me. i think a small part of me died last night. and it was hard. hard to control the tears welling up in my eyes....but i did. instead i got drunk...and ended up throwing up all over myself in megans car! well most of it got in the bag....but it was all over my lap! man, not a moment i was proud of by any means. because i cant remember the last time i actually puked on myself, not to mention i havent thrown up from alcohol in forever!
it was probably my nerves. and the stress, and just sheer intenstity of my situation last night.

because megan and i actually went together to FallOut. she picked me up, and we had a long long talk about everything on the way up. she wanted to know exactly what i was sorry for when i told her that i was. and that she felt like since she wasnt the one who did anything wrong in the situation, she shouldnt have to be punished by not being able to see her friend-since her boyfriend was the one who couldnt handle just being friends....and that she missed me, and needed me. and wanted me to be by her side doing things. so do i. i miss them both. she also felt that alot of the reasons that her and i got to be so close was because of kenny, but also that alot of our time spent together was with him. and the night that she and i sat alone on the stage, we were more megan/meredith than ever. and we both miss that. so her and i will be going off more, and spending time together...of course he and i, cannot hang out just the two of us right now. shes not comfortable with that. but i also promised her that if he and i were to hang out, it would not happen like that again-i think he and i both realize that we dont need to hurt anyone....for selfish reasons....ill always love him. and i know he'll always love me....but like she even said....we did it for all the right reasons, but with the worst timing. we both needed each other very much...and it was just the wrong time. we couldve helped each other differently without becoming so involved. but i guess you take care of things the only way you know how sometimes. and for us, it was getting emotionally and physically involved with each other.

on a lighter note...i guess....everyone who supported pamela pabst even though she wasnt in the ring made my night! especially when everyone sent me myspace messages saying it just want the same with out me being up there