Saturday Dec 24, 2005

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i miss the attention span that allowed me to be on suicidegirls for hours. then again, i don't miss the loneliness & despair which gave me the apathy & sloth that bore the attention.

i emanate light.

couldn't fake it if i tried. ooo aaa
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rainwolfkin:
i am so happy that you are beaming. i'm beaming too. biggrin
mro:
It's true what rainwolfkin said - I've seen her beam. Honestly! She looks like this --------> biggrin

Monday Nov 21, 2005

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my immune system has called out sick. she's laying in bed, smoking pot, drinking beer, & blowing cigarette smoke into the cold air.

i'd fire her, but she's got too much control. she's never delegated -- she prefers to do everything herself, because then she knows it'll be done properly & to her standards. only she's also a perfectionist -- if she can't get it...
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letigre:
i hope you feel better. frown
rainwolfkin:

we used to talk about shuttling down the side of one of the towers; the first time i mentioned it was when we did acid between our freshman semesters. i remember staring up at them in the crystalline winter, crisp air, numb lips. it seemed the most beautiful way to die. as a last wish, given to fly for only a few seconds. but then, what is a second?



i remember in the early days of acid - i remember that crystalline crisp winter - i remember coming across a tree entirely coated in ice - the beauty of it. what i still find most beautiful is the understanding - the complexities of understanding. between the experience and the person. between you and me.

i've seen so many things and done so many horrible things to myself in search of...something. i miss you. but i've never left you in a way and sometimes feel like that missing isn't so missing after all.

if any of that makes sense.

you know, i loved you the most too. still.

and i danced around the issue because you felt like my soul mate already, so nothing else needed to be done.

i've felt the urge to fly more times than i can count.

i value you because i can say that. because you understand the feeling. and the cold. the winter, the ice - and not its symbology, but the experience of it. the brute down to life 'i am here' and 'it just is' of it all.

i love you.

the words will linger on my tongue perpetually.

Tuesday Nov 08, 2005

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for those who have expressed concern:

i have fibromalgia. ugh. more drugs, more insomnia.

oh well. love the girls i work with, love my girlfriend, & recently interviewed for graduate school.

also tried to blow up our halloween jack o' lantern. my girlfriend eventually crushed it by throwing & dropping a cement block on it. repeatedly.

i was more interesting when i presented as a...
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ria:
i'm sure we can come up with some way to torture you again. i scrunch them up because... the moments have been moving too fast and i haven't given enough time to one moment to complete one. i wrote this online journal entry in the beginning of all this:

it's as if i'm collecting, spooning together, the remaining sunlight of the afternoon. ushering globdules together so that my sitting in the plaza may be in a yellow puddle. i know that taking levi strauss & durkheim out of my bag is optimistic (they're quite old after all), but i could not have predicted that i should write. inspired by a girl i don't really know (i wish your words had come from me, because it's almost as if they have. publish. run away. i love you. as much as i can say that truthfully without having met you or ever talked to you. we are great friends who have yet to meet), i address her in one of those countless letters that were never intended to be sent. truth, youth, beauty - it's all there. for forty minutes i sit on the asphalt scribbling, and every person's shadow passing looks like its coming towards me. every shadow passing looks like tim, but tim isn't coming towards me. the puddle dries up just before five, or more accurately, the spotlight that took me away from this world, the considerate quarantine, is suddenly switched off.

then tim is there, in the cold scarfed grey. as DEATH is clad appropriately, so is ROMANTIC OF WINTER. holding hands, breathing out in white, mittens & hot mead are merely the free trials - you should see me in sumptious hours.
rainwolfkin:
lovely lady, we will have to spend some time catching up on missed hugs one of these days. i sometimes forget that i wont live forever. i miss you more than i need air.

Tuesday Oct 25, 2005

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my body has forsaken me.

with all the pain that attempts to break my physical manifestation also comes all the euphoric beauty that attempts to resurrect my soul.

everything costs something. or so i'm told.
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kingskottie:
the price we pay only exceeds the value.

hi ya! miao!!
rainwolfkin:
is that grrl taking up your time? kiss

Tuesday Oct 18, 2005

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my arms have been severely abused. i look a bit like a junkie. in the last week i have had multiple vials of blood taken from me, a TB test, & a tetanus shot. i kind of liked the pain at first, but now... mostly not.

& i am luckier still...she & i are two little fish, connected by soul-ar cords...crab shells cracked & broken...
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rainwolfkin:
why all of the needles anyway?
rainwolfkin:
god help you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from the ash

its silly how sorrow always brings with it poetry and rememberance...

your words are like poetry to me.

thank you for everything you've ever given me.

my life was so fucked up that year we met, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. i'd experience it ten times again if it meant coming out of it with a friend like you.

i'm totally gonna come and crash on your couch just so i can hear that southern twang. smile

Tuesday Oct 11, 2005

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pekoe:
Beautiful miao!!
rainwolfkin:
kiss kiss kiss

Thursday Sep 29, 2005

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grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.& owl.

the electromagnetic field of the heart is SIXTY times that of the brain. wow. we can alter the universe with our beingness & our attitudes. our outlooks. but we all already knew that, eh?

my heart is full.

even with all of the cynicism, anger, disappointment, & disillusionment i generate on a daily basis, i have learned recently that there is always the...
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pekoe:
Next time you look at SG check some of your fav. photos to see if any are blacked out. Some of the photos on the site are (the ones with blood, light bondage, any other "distastefull" photos).

That is a great entry, by the way wink
mro:
Why are you Grrrrr'ing at an owl? Do you think it gives a hoot? Geddit? A hoot? Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa biggrin

Wednesday Sep 21, 2005

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upwardly mobile

the teacher stands in front of the class,
draw a picture of what you want to do
when you grow up.

beneath her crayon drawing, the invisible girl has written:
when i grow up,
i want to walk on a rainbow

the invisible girl
wishes:
- the bell would never ring
- warmth could follow her home
- love could never leave
-...
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rainwolfkin:
you make me cry. i love you.
rainwolfkin:
i wish you could taste my tears. but then again, you probably do...

[Edited on Sep 26, 2005 8:12PM]

Tuesday Sep 20, 2005

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i feel sad...also, trapped in a rotting mass of flesh which people around me tend to recognize as ME.

i've lived inside a chronically ill form my entire life. i was born with pneumonia & had it for the first 2 months of my life. i had malformed ankles & wore casts from toe to ass the first year & a half of my life....
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rainwolfkin:
at least doctors on your side care to find out. the doctors here suck. i can't even unlock the door to my house sometimes because my wrist is so fucked. and i don't think at age 26, i should be having to ask someone else to open a jar of salsa for me. not to mention, i sort of need my hand to do things like, say, have a job, but doctors here don't really think its that important. when they are not ignoring you or outright yelling at you, they are telling you to take over the counter pain killers in vast quantities until the day you die. pain killers that cause ulcers and that we can legally only buy in packages of 16 (not in bottles of 500) because the government thinks we all want to kill ourselves.

this country is fucked up.

i hope your doctors take care of you. i love you even though you are mortal.
mro:
....yet you have someone who loves you for who you are. That must be nice....

Wednesday Sep 14, 2005

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i think i'm dehydrated.

i have new respect for people who can quit or drastically cut back on any of their unhealthy vices, like smoking or drinking.

i have new sunglasses.

i like the smell of oncoming autumn.

i am reading a book about the neurophysiology of the brain during sleep.

i am in love.
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chinoblie:
hey you're a cancer born in '80 just like me!

That is all.
mro:
You're in love? Good for you biggrin biggrin biggrin
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