Tuesday Sep 20, 2005

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i feel sad...also, trapped in a rotting mass of flesh which people around me tend to recognize as ME.

i've lived inside a chronically ill form my entire life. i was born with pneumonia & had it for the first 2 months of my life. i had malformed ankles & wore casts from toe to ass the first year & a half of my life. i've had ear infections, strep throat, tonsilitis, colds, & sinus infections as long as i can remember. walking pneumonia, bronchitis, & tracheitis in college, followed by sacroiliitis (aka spondyloarthritis), late developed scoliosis, & sciatica, along with acid reflux & mild ulcers. not to mention all the psychological issues. wink

i've had arthritis since i was 17 or 18. but it's been getting worse & worse. all my joints pop & crack when i move. sometimes it's really painful. & i can't sleep well lately. to the point where i want to fucking scream, because no matter which way i move my whole body aches from the inside out. it feels like it's coming from inside my bones.

my body is decaying while i still live in it.

i might have fibromyalgia. not too scary. annoying, but not scary.

or rheumatoid arthritis. scary. i'll-fucking-kill-myself-scary. blackeyed

fuck this. skull

{although, i suppose i'd rather know what this endless pain is rather than wallow in it without a single weapon...}

i'm going to the doctor as soon as i can get in to have all sorts of tests & shit done to narrow things down...process of elimination.

"Well, we don't know WHAT the hell you've got, but we know 52 thousand things you DON'T have!!"

gotta love western medicine. surreal
rainwolfkin:
at least doctors on your side care to find out. the doctors here suck. i can't even unlock the door to my house sometimes because my wrist is so fucked. and i don't think at age 26, i should be having to ask someone else to open a jar of salsa for me. not to mention, i sort of need my hand to do things like, say, have a job, but doctors here don't really think its that important. when they are not ignoring you or outright yelling at you, they are telling you to take over the counter pain killers in vast quantities until the day you die. pain killers that cause ulcers and that we can legally only buy in packages of 16 (not in bottles of 500) because the government thinks we all want to kill ourselves.

this country is fucked up.

i hope your doctors take care of you. i love you even though you are mortal.
mro:
....yet you have someone who loves you for who you are. That must be nice....

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