medusaq

i feel sad...also, trapped in a rotting mass of flesh which people around me tend to recognize as ME.

i've lived inside a chronically ill form my entire life. i was born with pneumonia & had it for the first 2 months of my life. i had malformed ankles & wore casts from toe to ass the first year & a half of my life. i've had ear infections, strep throat, tonsilitis, colds, & sinus infections as long as i can remember. walking pneumonia, bronchitis, & tracheitis in college, followed by sacroiliitis (aka spondyloarthritis), late developed scoliosis, & sciatica, along with acid reflux & mild ulcers. not to mention all the psychological issues.

i've had arthritis since i was 17 or 18. but it's been getting worse & worse. all my joints pop & crack when i move. sometimes it's really painful. & i can't sleep well lately. to the point where i want to fucking scream, because no matter which way i move my whole body aches from the inside out. it feels like it's coming from inside my bones.

my body is decaying while i still live in it.

i might have fibromyalgia. not too scary. annoying, but not scary.

or rheumatoid arthritis. scary. i'll-fucking-kill-myself-scary.

fuck this.

{although, i suppose i'd rather know what this endless pain is rather than wallow in it without a single weapon...}

i'm going to the doctor as soon as i can get in to have all sorts of tests & shit done to narrow things down...process of elimination.

"Well, we don't know WHAT the hell you've got, but we know 52 thousand things you DON'T have!!"

gotta love western medicine.