musings, a letter:
to the most important person in my universe:
><> <><
Be careful about the reading...I've found the more I learn about any disorder I may or may not have, the more I become that description in a textbook...the harder it is to define myself as a being. Believe me when I say that you are a whole lot more than a definition of a disorder. You think, you write, you have a personal grouping of experiences that differentiate you from others. You affect people, good & bad, always necessarily for their own life experiences. You are a participant on this planet. You exist, & sometimes that may be the only proof that you're supposed to be here -- that you ARE still here -- but sometimes that's enough reassurance to warrant pushing through to the other side. There's still so much more to see, to do, to learn. And if you can't figure this out for yourself, know that I NEED YOU. I would feel like Pi out at sea without the knowledge that we're sharing air & creating dancing currents of breath together. I would lose it.
Of course, our experiences are based almost entirely on our own interpretations of events & environments...Reality is subjective. In so many ways we always know that we are insignificant, nothing means anything when you get to the bare facts. But once you accept this, you're free. You can experience the world in awe -- all of this beauty, mystery, pain, all these sense experiences are for no other reason than to be experienced & interpreted. It's a game, it's an amusement park, it's curious & hurtful & scary & amazing. Thinking about things entirely in terms of science will make you a robot...thinking about things entirely in terms of sociology will make you neurotic...thinking about things entirely in terms of philosophy will have you rocking yourself in a corner somewhere. Just knowing these things doesn't mean you won't do any of them, but at least you can analyze & deconstruct anything any way you choose at any given time. THIS is what makes your subjectivity unique.
...
How are you hurting yourself? I wish I were more available to you, because I'd be perfectly comfortable playing your stability for awhile while you sort your shit out. If sorting can be done...usually it can. & to help you find a therapist, because even when a therapist seriously sucks it's nice to know I'm trying to "get help". I've been cutting again. There was a point when I started to forget, when it didn't help, when I felt ashamed of myself when I did it. Now I like it & feel no shame in that. If it gets me through something, then it's better than most people.
I love you beyond all imaginable emotion, thought, or analysis. You are my companion on this journey, even on another side of the planet.
Eternally holding your hand...
medusaQ
to the most important person in my universe:
><> <><
Be careful about the reading...I've found the more I learn about any disorder I may or may not have, the more I become that description in a textbook...the harder it is to define myself as a being. Believe me when I say that you are a whole lot more than a definition of a disorder. You think, you write, you have a personal grouping of experiences that differentiate you from others. You affect people, good & bad, always necessarily for their own life experiences. You are a participant on this planet. You exist, & sometimes that may be the only proof that you're supposed to be here -- that you ARE still here -- but sometimes that's enough reassurance to warrant pushing through to the other side. There's still so much more to see, to do, to learn. And if you can't figure this out for yourself, know that I NEED YOU. I would feel like Pi out at sea without the knowledge that we're sharing air & creating dancing currents of breath together. I would lose it.
Of course, our experiences are based almost entirely on our own interpretations of events & environments...Reality is subjective. In so many ways we always know that we are insignificant, nothing means anything when you get to the bare facts. But once you accept this, you're free. You can experience the world in awe -- all of this beauty, mystery, pain, all these sense experiences are for no other reason than to be experienced & interpreted. It's a game, it's an amusement park, it's curious & hurtful & scary & amazing. Thinking about things entirely in terms of science will make you a robot...thinking about things entirely in terms of sociology will make you neurotic...thinking about things entirely in terms of philosophy will have you rocking yourself in a corner somewhere. Just knowing these things doesn't mean you won't do any of them, but at least you can analyze & deconstruct anything any way you choose at any given time. THIS is what makes your subjectivity unique.
...
How are you hurting yourself? I wish I were more available to you, because I'd be perfectly comfortable playing your stability for awhile while you sort your shit out. If sorting can be done...usually it can. & to help you find a therapist, because even when a therapist seriously sucks it's nice to know I'm trying to "get help". I've been cutting again. There was a point when I started to forget, when it didn't help, when I felt ashamed of myself when I did it. Now I like it & feel no shame in that. If it gets me through something, then it's better than most people.
I love you beyond all imaginable emotion, thought, or analysis. You are my companion on this journey, even on another side of the planet.
Eternally holding your hand...
medusaQ