mechanic

our local museum has a little exhibit of Raphael's
drawings. how cool is that? spent some time there
looking at this guy's work and it's amazing.
how can you encapsulate so much into one line,
one tiny fucking line. put it all together and
make it a perfect body with one stroke.
Human body by far is the most fascinating subject
matter to me. Figurative work can have so much
freaking emotion and drama and life in it...
anyway, i'm off on a rant. forgive me...

I've been listening to a lot of the Doors lately.
don't know why. All of a sudden it all started to
make sense - the music, the lyrics, the screaming.
Once I was reading an article on Balthus... and was
like: holy shit, this guy's work is incredible!
but i've never noticed it before... So, my professor
and mentor at the time told me : "Sometimes,
you notice things when it's time to.." I guess it's
time. It happens too often lately - certain things
that were always a mystery to me, started making
sense. May be i'm growing up. Everybody says
I act and look older for my age. I sort of fell old
but not wise... you know. But wisdom comes with
experience not age. Not enough of that funny
sticky substance - experience. even though I've
been subjecting myself to some unusual shit
lately, just to say yeah, I've done it, it still
feels not enough. I want to turn myself inside out
and touch things, or may be explode into thousands
little pieces and go all over the place. Go and never
look back. I always look back. Sometimes I even
stay so that I don't have to look back. I was looking
back at you to see if you were looking back at me
to see if I was looking back at you. do you get it?