mcwarbringer

Wake me up when October is over. This time of the year always tears at me. I dont enjoy talking about it, so people make their assumptions. They think it's because of the season change, or the cold, or my boyfriend's favorite "my period". Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is I always become very dark and distant in this time frame of October. It's when I lost her. The three year "anniversary" if you must of the day she died is rapidly approaching.

It's almost as if the pain is alive. It drags me down to the depths of my mind. I scream in my head so that no one may hear it. It laces my vision with things that remind me of her. It claws at my heart with the hunger for my pain and grief. Every waking moment I wonder why it had to be her instead of me. Why couldn't it have been me?!?! At night I can't hardly sleep because of the dreams. Nightmares have become quite normal for me since serving in the military, but these arent exactly nightmares. They arent scary. I see her smile, I hear her laugh, I hear her poke fun at me over the radio and then play our favorite song. But then all I hear are echos. Then I cant find her. She's gone, but I can hear her cry. I let her down. Why couldnt it have been me?!? She had been through so much already, and yet she never once lost her "ray of sunshine" self.

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for this beast to slumber. How long will it be before the pain ceases to cut me so deep. I think about her all the time. Constantly. But this time of year, as the 18th approaches, it hurts so much more. It rips me apart.

Why couldn't it have been me?

I miss you LaLa..